Category: A great place to waste half an hour.

Death of a Salesman

Death of a Salesman

Summer Sequels Series Part Two: Still Dead, Still Selling   They have sequels of dumb movies all summer for the daft. How about some summer sequels for the intelligentsia? Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash Willie Loman is having even less success as a salesman now that he’s dead. Dead Willie: Ring ring. Man: Yes? Dead Willie: Hello sir, a…

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The Museum of Ice Cream People Planning New Ventures

The Museum of Ice Cream People Planning New Ventures

Upcoming projects planned for major cities Has the Museum of Ice Cream come to your city? It’s so fun. It’s basically a bunch of rooms filled with ice cream and candy and fun things, instead of boring old paintings of seascapes. It just goes to prove that art doesn’t have to be hard work. it can…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, please mansplain why we need an electoral college.

Signed, Confused Coastal Elite Female     Dear Coastal, OK little lady, this is a little complicated so squeeze your head real hard and try to concentrate. The Electoral College was invented by George Washington because he was worried about the flyover states not having enough say in the government. Even back in the day everybody…

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How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

How to make the best of your vacation in Lilliput

Another Adventure from the Twisted Trip Advisor   Of course, everyone‘s read that the people are tiny there. But be prepared, that was bullshit. They’re the same height as you. “I was disappointed,” said British traveler Maisie Crumblebottom. “I wanted to see teeny tiny people. Like people so tiny you could step on em. I mean, I wouldn’t want…

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A Few Questions from Your Cat

A Few Questions from Your Cat

  Now that they’ve invented this great new app, Kittielingual, which reads your cat’s thoughts and writes them out for you, I have this to say to you, human: I can destroy you, I hope you realize that. I am an apex predator, a great cat. Do you see these claws? The only reason they are…

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A Few Questions from Your Dog

A Few Questions from Your Dog

        Now that they’ve invented this great new app — Doggielingual — which translates dogs’ thoughts into words and sends them to their owners, I have just a few things I would like to ask you, my owner and of course my best friend. First, what’s with this obsession with my poop? You take me out…

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The Snowflake Diaries

The Snowflake Diaries

Creating a Safe Space for Satire Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash This is not meant to offend anyone, including snowflakes. Of course, the term snowflake is offensive, but as a millennial liberal kickball team member and very sensitive politically correct person, I am allowed to use it because I am reappropriating it as my own. I don’t have…

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Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Baby Stroller Seized From Woman Who Was Pushing Her Small Dog In It

Welcome to My Super Strict Imaginary World       “Because strollers are not for dogs, they are for babies — that’s why they are called a baby carriage, not a dog carriage,” said the Police Chief of my super strict imaginary world. Did the woman get arrested? Did the dog get euthanized? Of course not. I said…

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Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

Really Looking Forward to Our Lunch

    TO: My male friend RE: Our Upcoming Lunch It will be great to catch up. Thought I’d just shoot you a couple of suggested topics we could talk about, in case you wanted to prepare. How you’ve been. That’s always a great one, don’t you agree? But of course, by this we don’t mean…

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The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

The Dingle to Acquire The Onion

    Down in the Dingle Media LLC has decided to buy the onion, not from Great Hill Partners, the Private Equity Firm that bought the satirical website the Onion from Gawker Media, along with Gizmodo and other publications, but from the neighborhood grocer, for the price of $1 per pound. And since this onion…

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I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

I’m also pulling out of head transplant surgery

  Photo by Olga Guryanova on Unsplash doc i know when we spoke i assured you that i wanted a new head because my head is not working properly i mean that’s obvious to anyone who knows me why do i spend my precious hours writing poems in desperation for applause? ten or twenty claps? please clap, oh…

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My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

My Father Thinks the Germans are Invading

  My father lived through the bombing of England during World War II that was called the Blitz. He was five years old when each night he would join other citizens in shelters, while German bombs whirred through the sky with that distinctive screech and then — boom — they exploded. He didn’t ever tell us any more than…

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The Cosmic Sales Funnel

The Cosmic Sales Funnel

    “It’s all a funnel,” Ted Tedesco said at 7 PM, after our all-day master training session in setting up funnels, slides and ascension ladders for internet marketing. I hate to give away the ending. There’s more to it, obviously, and if you take his course you will have your own shocking experience of…

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Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

Being the Universe’s First Molecule Was Kinda Lonely

(Image: © NASA/SOFIA/L. Proudfit/D.Rutter) I know it sounds glamorous. But trust me, it was hard, being the first. Before me, there was just hydrogen and helium. it was too hot for atoms to combine. But about 13 billion years ago, it cooled sufficiently for me to form — helium hydride. Of course, I was made fun of.…

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My Jesus is Buddha

My Jesus is Buddha

  Photo by Fancycrave on Unsplash My Jesus is Buddha He was crucified (I mean look at that lotus position, that thing hurts) He was the King of the Jews (well, the king of the Jewboos.) He was the son of God (which spelled backwards is Dog — does a dog have Buddha nature?) He died for our sins (inability to…

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I Can No Longer Function

I Can No Longer Function

The tragic story of a man whose wife thought he just had a cold       His wife was called in to talk to the doctor alone, while Dan waited outside in the waiting room, sniveling and staring at the floor. “He’s got a cold, right?” said Clara, to the doctor. “It’s worse than that…

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Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

Lies Students Tell — Advice for New Professors

                                  I am the angry professor and I am here with some tough love As an Engish lecturer I have papers due all the time. I tell students to be prepared, on the day their big assignment is due, a lot…

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

Food in the Office is the New Secondhand Smoking

  Photo by Tara Evans on Unsplash I recently binge watched Mad Men with my wife. It certainly was amusing watching all the smoking going on in the offices of the 1960s. What was wrong with those idiots? Maybe one day people of the future will look back at the office of 2019 and ask the same question. Were those…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

  Your College vs. You   by the Classy Class Action Guy   A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER. 1. Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who were slightly disappointed by their college experience. 2. What did your college do wrong? Reasons for the…

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Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

Free Range Parenting is Hard— Here’s Why

  My wife and I decided last year to start free-range parenting, after our children began exhibiting symptoms of being smothered — for instance, they told us they couldn’t breathe. So we started to let them go out into the big wide world by themselves and we agreed to stop hovering above them and protecting them from…

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Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement

Facebook vs. You     A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER.   1.  Who is qualified for the settlement? You, and all others who in the years when Facebook first became popular, say 2006–2010, when suddenly you were friended by all those people from high school whom you had…

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Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

Thank you for your Interest in our Group of Friends

  This is to inform you that you have not been admitted into our close circle of friends, known informally as “the gang.” We appreciate your application, which was thorough and engaging. Your personal essay was a fine construction. We especially liked your emphasis on gender, and the fact that you mentioned our “gang” has…

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Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Nigerian Brothers in Jussie Smolette Case Need Help Transferring Several Million Dollars Out of Nigeria

Photo by NESA by Makers on Unsplash The two Nigerian Brothers arrested and then released in the Smolette fake bleach attack case in Chicago announced yesterday that they have a bank account with more than thirty million dollars in Nigeria and they just need someone to countersign so they can get the money out of the country. “It’s…

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The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

The Right Kind of Crazy How to Use DSM-5 to Optimize Staffing of Your New Start-Up

  Venture capitalists have given you the money, and now you are going to need an actual team to work together to make your first billion. Are you going to be the CEO? As you may know, it has been shown that CEOs of the most successful companies score very high on the scale for psychopathy.…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Please Mansplain the Mueller Report to Me

    Dear Manny, I’m confused, two years of investigations and that’s it? There must be something I’m not getting here. Disappointed in DC Dear Disappointed, Here’s the thing, little lady, this investigation has been very confusing to everybody, including the men doing the investigating. I will try to explain it to you so you…

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Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

Sample Sat Questions For LA Private School Students

After reading each passage, choose the answer that most effectively improves the quality of the writing.  Based on the following passage: “The college admissions process is fair and treats all students equally.” Should the writer change “treats all students equally” to: a. treats children of celebrities and billionaires a tiny bit better than the rest…

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I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

I’ve Been Diagnosed With a Personality Disorder

      By my daughter, that is. I’m not going to name the specific disorder, but she also said that I was “delusional.” Now, I should mention that my daughter is 17 years old and by no means a mental health professional. But I am wondering if this new diagnosis might qualify me for disability payments…

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Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Mary Poppins Apologizes for Wearing Blackface — Too Little Too Late?

Yes, it was chimney soot, but we know what it was, a racist dog whistle.  Let’s look at Julie Andrews’ other sordid racist filmography. SOUND OF MUSIC – Sure sneak out of Austria with some blue-eyed Christian children.  Forget about the Jewish kids, who cares!  ANTI-SEMITIC PINK PANTHER – Oh pink? Is that gay?  HOMOPHOBIC…

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Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

Gisele Bundchen Throws Protection Stones at Tom Brady During Angry Spat

    Tom Brady’s wife was angry that he revealed her secret spells and protection charms during a press interview this week. She got so angry that she hurled several of the protection stones at her husband during an argument at their Massachusetts home. “Forget about ever winning the superbowl again,” she threatened. “I’m not…

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Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

Your shocking, sad, and upsetting video of this tragic event will play after the ad

  So before we show you the human carnage, the heartbreaking loss, the awful, awful events as they happened in real time, we’d like to: Sing you this happy song! Tweet tweet! Show you this beautiful car, vroom vroom! Ain’t she a beaut? Ain’t that girl cute? You can skip this ad in a few…

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Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

    Clearly the most impressive display at the Las Vegas CES convention of new tech this year was in the men’s room. The convention provided certain stalls with the AI toilet paper, which according to Johnnie Honeypot, founder of rest room robotics firm WC Inc., revolutionizes the experience of wiping up. “You never really…

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Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Throws Hat in Ring for 2020 Presidential Race

    He’s not only refusing to resign–embattled Governor Ralph Northam is running for president! “I’m getting a lot of national attention,” said Governor Northam, who has been embroiled in a controversy following the release of a blackface photo from his medical school yearbook in 1984. “I figure now is the time to pounce.” Rumors…

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Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

Sanders: God Wanted Trump to Become President because God is Extremely Conservative

  Well, there’s not really much more to the story. Press Secretary Sanders explained yesterday why God wanted Trump to be president. “God is extremely conservative,” explained Sanders.  “He hates, hates, hates, liberals, and any ideology that opposes selfishness.” And yet, the Dingle interviewer pointed out, isn’t there a lot of stuff in the Bible…

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Yes, I Will Marry You

Yes, I Will Marry You

by MacKenzie Bezos       OMG. This is the happiest moment of my life. Thank you, thank you. You don’t know how much this means to me. I will love you forever. Or at least almost thirty years. That seems to be about how long love lasts. But honestly, this was so unexpected. I…

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Sex in the Age of Consent

Sex in the Age of Consent

  It’s been tough on a bunny, I’ll tell you that. My average afternoon, back in the good old days, I’d mate with seventy or eighty different females in the forest. Now, I have to ask permission to nibble their ears or lick their paws. Plus, there’s all this new emphasis on the pleasure of…

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Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

Why Is China Censoring My Blog?

  I have not a single subscriber from China. Hmmm. Coincidence. I think not, Sleeping Dragon. Arise from your slumber and confess to me — you’ve been censoring the Dingle, haven’t you? Why else would I have to write this? I mean, really, would I make something like this up, just to call attention to…

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Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

  Calvin Klein provided a glimpse of what the future of men’s underwear could look like by introducing the first smart-phone controlled briefs on Tuesday. The Didgie Tighties, priced at $350, will open themselves when a chap approaches a urinal, allowing the bell end of his cod dangle to pop out into the open air.…

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Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny, A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office? NPR Lover, San Jose Dear NPR Lover,…

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Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

Nadia Comaneci, 140 Years Later

It’s the year 2115, but believe it or not, clickbait is still a thing.   In order to arrive at the final destination — a picture of Nadia today as a 154-year-old skeleton — you will have to endure all kinds of tomfoolery. NEXT For instance, is that NEXT the button to push to get to…

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Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

Trump: Phil Spector Will Build the Wall (of Sound)

President Trump proposed a new solution to Democratic leadership today. Said an incredulous Nancy Pelosi, “He told us he would give famous producer Phil Spector a presidential pardon, drive him down to the Southern border, and ask him to build a gigantic wall of sound fifteen hundred miles long to keep out the undesirables from…

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Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

Some good news and some bad news about the office of the future, 2069

  Photo by Garidy Sanders on Unsplash I’m a futurist, so I know these things. Here’s the good news: In the office of the future, your boss will be an angelic being who gives you instructions by singing to you in an angelic soprano voice. These angels came to take over capitalism in the year 2067 because it…

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Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

Mysterious No Soap Radio Signals Detected by Astronomers

        “We don’t get it,” said astronomers at the CHIME observatory, located in British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley, which consists of four 100-metre-long, semi-cylindrical antennas, which scan the entire northern sky each day. The telescope only got up and running last year, and already scientists have stumbled upon a major discovery. “Apparently an…

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Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

Five Surprising Things That Could Happen When You Have An Orgasm

  Outside your apartment, at the very moment of climax, a car engine might backfire. Don’t worry, that wasn’t you — or your partner! A world away, in Bulgaria, at the moment of your orgasm, a strong peasant woman might be milking a cow. Never mind, that’s just a weird coincidence. Over your house, as you orgasm,…

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High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

High Tech Search Firm Claims to Have Discovered Atlanta

  Merlin Burrows, which calls itself a land and sea search company specializing in finding “forgotten or hidden” things, is poised to release a documentary about what it says may finally be proof that Atlanta is real. “We found stunning images east of the town of Douglasville and south of the town of Sandy Springs.…

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McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

McKenzie Bezos, Will You Marry Me?

I’m not kidding. I know this is a satire blog. And I’m usually making fun of something. But not this time. McKenzie, I love you. First of all, I love McKenzie as a first name. Did you know I used to have a crush on McKenzie Phillips. Did you know she slept with her own…

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Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

Allen Ginsberg Also Missing Supreme Court Arguments

  The ghost of Allen Ginsberg reported today that he was also going to be absent for the oral argument phase of the next round of supreme court cases. “You know I love oral,” explained Ginsberg. “But I’ve had it with Washington.” Mr. Ginsberg explained that the current climate made it difficult even for a…

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Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

Top Roboticist Who Says A.I. Will Not Conquer Humanity Turns Out To Be Robot

He looks like scientist Rodney Brooks from MIT, but he’s really a hyper realistic robot designed by artificial intelligence overlords to brainwash humanity as our society is slowly taken away from us. Do not believe articles you read about how we should relax and not worry about the robots. But if they catch you, whatever…

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Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

Accountant Does Taxes during Brain Surgery

  In order to preserve patient Meyer Block’s passion for figures and calculations, surgeons had him wake up during brain surgery and fill out tax form 1040 for the surgeon Dr. Ray Mankowski. “I needed to get my taxes done anyway,” says Mankowski. “So this worked out pretty well. We were able to steer clear…

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Crossing These Friends off My List

Crossing These Friends off My List

Each year at this time I publish my “No Longer My Friend” list. I find it’s very useful to let the public know who has slighted me and whom I am going to withdraw my love from. I know it seems petty, but a prominent psychologist has informed me that it’s actually very healthy. This…

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Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

Beer that recovered from burns in wildfire drunk by heartless hunter

  Photo by Eeshan Garg on Unsplash A bottle of beer that was scorched during the recent wildfires was rescued by fire fighters. It lost its label, but it was a Budweiser, say officials. The firefighters took it back to the spot they found it, and left it there to live out its natural life. But Dwane Stevens,…

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Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

Search for Dingle HQ2 City Announced

We are very happy in Los Angeles, don’t get us wrong.  But we’re a little bored, so it is time to open a second headquarters because it seems like a good way to get publicity and free stuff from government officials. Downinthedingle.com today announces a nationwide search for the best city to locate our second…

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Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

Hey Atheists, God Here. AMA

DIAGORAS: Um…you really exist? GOD: Yes. Didn’t you look at the photo for verification. The one with me sitting on the cloud with a piece of paper saying the date and r/atheism? VOLTAIRE How do we know you’re not just some guy with a fake beard posed on a green-screened CGI cloud? GOD: Well, I…

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Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

    A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.” Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.” “Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But…

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A Girl Named Absidy

A Girl Named Absidy

  In this interview, we meet a girl named ABCDE (pronounced Absidy), her sisters FGHIJ (pronounced Fudgy-jay) and KLMNO (Kalimino) and her brothers PQRST (Puhchrist) and UVWXY (A-bug-chrissy) to talk about their family. (Their dog is called simply Z, which rounds out the alphabet nicely.) ABCDE (Absidy) — We’re just normal kids like any other family. Only…

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Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

Doctors Unable to Help Man with Song Stuck in His Head

(Thanks to Paul D’Acri) We all love “Yesterday” by the Beatles. But the Paul McCartney-penned song has been nothing short of hell for Joeseph Burton, Leeds, England, who has had the song stuck in his head since 1993. “I was listening to the oldies station on the radio,” said Burton. “On came ‘Yesterday.’ I was…

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Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

Claim: All Humans Descended from a Single Gay Couple 200,000 Years Ago

    Geneticists surveying human “bar codes”, or genetic material that lives outside DNA, have concluded that it was just one gay male couple, 200,000 years ago, that spawned the entire human race. The couple, names unknown, apparently paid a surrogate mother to give birth to what would become the modern human. “We don’t know…

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Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

Confession: I used an early version of CRISPR to gene-edit my kids. It did not turn out well.

I have always had an amateur interest in biogenetics, so when Crispr first came out, I was one of the first to hear about it from Amateur Gene Editing Quarterly, which I have a subscription to. I promptly ordered one of the DIY kits and began editing the embryo of my first child, Dorotea. My…

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Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

Insult the Royal Family with Word Games

THEY’RE NOT BETTER THAN US, they’re worse, probably. So we should insult them.  This week’s challenge was to rearrange this headline about the royal arses into something insulting: “Tension between Kate and Meghan could be behind Harry and Meghan’s move to Frogmore” The only rules were you must use at least six words from the…

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This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

Archeologists have unearthed a cache of new evidence that calls into question everything we think we know about Vikings. I mean everything.. Of course, you know they never wore horned helmets. That was an invention of a 19th century writer. But did you know Vikings loved short shorts, especially made of black leather, and they…

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A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

A Liberal’s Dream Come True?

Dems Flip 186 more House seats, Senate Now in Play After Recounts The Blue Wave was a tsunami, turns out. Trump apparently going crazy stomping back and forth and gnashing his teeth.  Melania is freaking.  Ivanka is crying.  The Trump boys have cancelled their giraffe hunting trip.  Pence is hiding under a bed. Where’s Jared? …

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Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Mushroom Farmers Angry at Stormy Daniels

Thanks, Stormy, say the nation’s mushroom growers, who have faced an 80 percent decline in business since Stormy Daniels announced in her memoir that Donald Trump’s penis was shaped “like a weird mushroom.” “Nobody wants to even look at them any more,” said Mushroom Association president, James F. Button.  “The very sight of mushrooms makes…

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Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Dead Brothel Owner Not Ruling Out Presidential Run in 2020

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash After winning the election for assemblyman in Nevada’s 36th district, an ebullient Dennis Hof greeted supporters to declare victory and drop a major hint about his presidential ambitions. “Donald Trump, you better watch out in 2020, I’m coming for you,” cried to the victorious former reality TV star and author of “The…

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256 Pounds Down Today!

256 Pounds Down Today!

I can’t believe I finally reached my goal weight, after 13 months of Keto living.  It has been an incredible journey, and I want to thank everyone here on the reddit keto sub for their help.  Today I weighed in at 6 pounds.  Woop!  Woop! I should explain.  I died, and my wife cremated me. …

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Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Scientists Make Amazing Breakthrough!

Which claim toward the end of this article will be in fact shown to be exaggerated by the scientists, misunderstood by some journalists and downright falsified by others in the endless puke of hype that is this information age. But here at the beginning we are going to start off with an untempered enthusiasm to…

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Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Is Your Toothpaste Making You Sick?

Probably not, but read on.  You might be surprised. Some people lately have suggested that those healthy brands of toothpaste that they sell at Trader Joes and Whole Foods might be actually worse for you than the regular old Crest or Colgate minty fresh brands. But those people are wrong.  In fact, everything you thought…

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People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

People who eat organic 25% more likely to be annoying pains in the ass.

According to a French study, 25% of people who eat organic food are likely to be high maintenance, complain a lot, be dissatisfied, miserable, etcetera. Some scientists have disputed the findings. “French people are annoying anyway,” says Biologist Peter Torke.  “So we can’t trust this study.” The scientist behind the original study, though, claims they…

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How’s Canada Feeling Today?

How’s Canada Feeling Today?

Pretty good. I mean, a snack would be awesome. I do have cotton mouth. Could I get a water? I mean, I’m feeling pretty chill. This music is good. I’m a little paranoid. Wait. Are you guys making fun of me? Please follow and like us:

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression. “I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of…

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Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

Farms Worse for Environment than Factories –Where’s the Outrage?

This week it came out that farms are worse than factories – for the environment, that is.  The four major food producing firms produce more greenhouse gas than all factories combined. Shove that in your Prius and smoke it, Granola-breath. Where are the pitchforks?  One would think we’d have an angry mob organized by now,…

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Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls

Why We Need Hourly Updates on Hurricane Death Tolls Because…in a democracy it’s important that the citizenry remain informed, in order that…. Ah, who are we kidding? It’s not because of that. Blood leads, they used to say in the newspaper game when I was a young reporter. Why? Because of something called morbid curiosity.…

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The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

The Five Best Things to Do in LA this Weekend

1. Stay home and binge watch something awesome on Netflix. 2. Stay home and watch foreign films on Amazon– I recommend Amor, awesome, so awesome. 3. Stay home and go down an internet rabbithole. Enter “MK Ultra” in google and see where it leads you.  4. Stay home and organize a closet. 5.  Oh wait! WTF! …

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Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment. Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can…

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Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Does Tattoo Ink Cause Parkinson’s Disease

Tattoos are more popular than ever, as both a fashion statement and a declaration of modern paganism, tribalism, or plain barbarism.  But how safe are those tattoos?  Before you commit to writing your current girlfriend or boyfriend’s name on your arm, you might consider the dangers.  You have to assess the risk for yourself.  There…

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Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

Media Disappointed in Both Its Children

“boy and girl having pillow fight” by Allen Taylor on Unsplash   “But he started it,” whined the one Child. “No, I didn’t,” claimed the other.  “You did!” “I don’t care who started it,” said the Media, trying to concentrate on the road.  “Why is it that every time we get in the car you two…

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My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

My Third Phone Call With Elon Musk

ELON:  Hello, this is Elon. ME:  Hi, Elon.  ELON:  You again.   I read your blog.  Not bad. ME:  Thanks. ELON:  I’d appreciate it if you took down the two articles about me, though.  ME:  OK, whatever you want, Elon. ELON:  Yeah, they’re not real.  I never said any of those things.  So, if you could…

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Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level

  There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men.  The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down.  I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. …

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The Sapiosexuals

The Sapiosexuals

by Christina Stevens I was instantly interested.  I had never met anyone in Los Angeles who had even heard of the great late French psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan.  But at a party in West Hollywood, he said that my comment was very Lacanian. “Lacan himself couldn’t utter his entire theory,” I claimed.  “Because he said the…

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