Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open. “She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King. “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria. But when men do it, it’s considered…
1. You have a cleaning lady because: a. You hate cleaning b. you are too busy to clean c) people from developing countries are better at cleaning d) that’s an offensive term – please use something that sounds more innocuous so we can all feel better about ourselves 2. You tidy up before the cleaning…
Researchers are not so sure that little tiny bits of LDS actually lead to more creative thinking and higher employee satisfaction. When Jordan Pillbright started microdosing the Church of Latter Day Saints at work, he didn’t tell his boss. “I’m pretty sure that he would have fired me,” said Jordan. “He’s atheist, like a lot…
Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars. Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app. “We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi. “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”…
John McCain has no comment on Donald Trump’s decision to raise the White House flags to half mast yesterday to honor his life and legacy of service to this country. Our attempts to reach John McCain to comment have been unsuccessful. John McCain was indeed an American hero despite what anybody else might have claimed.…
The Largemont Chronicle would like to formally welcome our newest neighbor, Larry the homeless guy. Larry took over the spot on Third Street by the bus stop that was formerly occupied by one-arm Duffy. Larry is happy to be here. He likes to play loud music on that little radio that is covered in masking…
MUSK: This is Elon. ME: Hi, it’s Simon Black calling again. MUSK: Who? Sorry. ME: I saw you’re going through a tough time in the news. I’m sorry buddy. MUSK: Oh, don’t’ pay any attention to that bullshit. It’s fake news. Trump is right about that. I’m not on drugs. It’s bullshit. ME: I know. …
by Anonymous. Have you heard about the amazing renaissance of the LA River? The spirit of the river had been dead for so long. But community groups and ecologist activists cleaned it up. Now there are kayaks floating down, cyclists biking along the path next to the river. And of course, this is LA, so…
Chocked is a beautiful eliding of two words, one of them being choked. The other being a word for penis. So you see it means choked on a penis. Here are ten lesser known slang terms that arise from eliding one or more regular word with a sex word. How many of these do…
My suggestions for fixing: Underhand pitching. That’s I taught my son to hit, and how my father taught me. It’s an American tradition. And look how those softball underhanders whip it in. I know, it kind of looks stupid. Probably bad idea. Wiffleballs. The wiffleball is so light, it doesn’t matter how strong the pitcher…
Photo by Sasha • Stories on Unsplash It was quite astonishing to read in the online journal Palimpest the other day a complete reinterpretation of Borges’ most famous story. The literary world has been stunned by the publication of such a bold and deliberate piece of provocation. Whatever the permanent effect on literature that Simon Black’s “‘Borges and I’ by Simon Black”…
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash As pastor here in Los Angeles I get asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. I thought I would take this time out in the weekly church newsletter to attempt an answer. I’ll warn you, though, this is a tough one. I’m…
photo by by Julian O’hayon Dear employees of Southland Dynamics, I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12…
photo by Jay Wennington on Unsplash Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered. Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space —…
Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town? This could get ugly fast. How are you going to eat? How will pay your rent? What about healthcare – you know…
Please, America. Cool it with the Sasquatch erotica, would you? Do you know how embarrassing it was when my son little Billy Sasquatch came home last week and asked me, “Dad, are you like some kind of porn star?” Your news programs capitalized on a politician’s foolish post to his Instagram account and it may have brought…
There’s a Muslim on my flight I’m not worried There’s a Muslim on my flight What? I’m not the racist You are All I said was there’s a Muslim on the flight You’re the one that made it into something There’s a black man on my street Walking up behind me What? I’m…
Peach. You are transported to a farm in Georgia called Tara. As God is my witness, you will never go hungry again. Plum. Probably fine, but you probably should apologize, even if it was so cold and so good. Egg. You are mistaken. It should have been “an” egg, not “a” egg. Please pay more…
Erotic fiction for the Metoo era by Simon Black. “As they collapsed in an embrace on the bed, Jen felt the passion tingling in her sex. “Make love to me, Pablo,” she cried. “Absolutely,” responded Pablo, his brown eyes blazing with desire. “Let’s make the preparations. I’d like you to meet my lawyer, Jeffrey Goldblatt,…
Scientists today announced the results of a multi year study. The results – following your bliss is a recipe for disaster. “Most people who follow their bliss end up homeless, abandoned, and alone,” said Cynthia Cahill-Smythe, PhD at West State University, Auburn. “We find that it’s much better to follow something that annoys you and…
This is what I ate today: Breakfast An egg 50 calories Coffee w/cream 30 calories Crow, unplucked, uncooked, eaten raw as I admitted I was wrong and you were right. 150 calories Lunch 1 big sandwich 250 calories Humble pie, served with a side of sheepishness, I admit once again that I was wrong about…
I have been typing random key strokes for a trillion years. Not only have I not typed Shakespeare’s works, I have not typed a single coherent page. So much for their fucking theories. Should I just give up? No, I still have faith. I believe if I just keep typing and typing through infinite time…
It is the hot summer months here in Los Angeles, a time when millions and millions of you ants come into our homes and surround little specks of food on our counters, and it’s a little creepy to be quite honest with you. In the past, I have definitely tended to paint all ants with…
I had a party at my house the other day, and I was sitting outside with some friends, my brother was barbecuing the meat, it was all going splendidly, when someone brought up the topic of childhood sexual abuse. “Well, sometimes it’s ambiguous,” I ventured. “I mean look at this Woody Allen thing. The daughter…
This must be my lucky day! Isn’t it just wonderful? A world of people connecting with one another so that a founder of a tech company can move up higher on the billionaire list–right now he’s only number 635. Yay for Reid Hoffman, the founder of Linkedin! And congratulations on sending me another email with…
The cramped oppressive space of the literary short story. Welcome. There will be some nice images here, in the first paragraph. The first, a description of how she entered the house, not that she came home, no it has to be she tripped or tramped or sauntered or danced then a metaphor like a figure…
ME: Check out this picture. Every one of those tiny specks of light is a galaxy. DOG: So? ME: Do you know what a galaxy is? DOG: No and I don’t care so please don’t explain it to me. ME: A galaxy is a collection of billions of stars, all clustered together by the…
1. When the little boy Bran got pushed out the window by Jamie Lannister and plummeted down six stories, the result being paralysis: a) I laughed b) I cried c) I ejaculated d) all of the above 2. When the sadistic Joffrey ordered the execution of Ned Stark, with Ned’s two young daughters in attendance…
(They’ve more or less been rescued so we can finally unveil these. Vote for your favorite – for World Cup Fans only) Thai soccer team found in cave, US team still unaccounted for. Thai soccer team hungry, tired, Argentine soccer team dead. Thai soccer youths surprised by British diver Rick Stanton, Mexican soccer team horrified…
it’s important to be mindful this is not a waste of time why don’t i do this more life gets so busy i see a shimmering light oh this is nice i feel grateful and i feel mindful and i feel full of mindfulness and the present moment now now and now and again again…
Mr. Sheeran’s spokesperson has stated that the ginger singer was not referring to the Marvin Gaye single, he was referring to the actual sex act. However, Marvin Gaye’s family says they are owed one hundred million dollars as Ed apparently “Used a black-sounding Marvin Gaye type voice when he said it to his new wife,…
by Simon Black I was suspicious of him immediately. Have you seen this guy? He’s got a dark grey goatee and is quite skinny. And he rides around on one of those recumbent bicycles. I see him all over town. The same guy. Man, he puts a lot of miles on that sitting-down bike. First…
NOVEL ONE – (ANGRY YOUNG MAN FICTION) Fuck your Never worn baby shoes I ain’t buyin em. (But if you are giving them away for free text me) NOVEL TWO (DARK COMEDY) I would like To return the never worn baby shoes I bought from you. My baby died. (these shoes are fucking cursed)…
It’s too good to be true! Even though Amazon put out of business every book store I loved…I forgot what I was going to say. Traffic is really not that bad in LA. Especially if I get a delivery around rush hour and I have to take the 405. Or any other road, really. Amazon Prime has…
When Maasai tribesman Musa Ujiri arrived in Los Angeles, the first thing he looked for was a cow. “When you want to get married, you need to have a dowry to offer the bride family, so you try to get maybe twenty or thirty cows. Otherwise her parents won’t even talk to you.” …
“I never dreamed I could pole vault that far,” said French Pole Vaulter Justine Cercara. She was practicing pole vaulting in Vancouver, Canada, when, as she puts it, “I really corked one.” Ms. Cercara vaulted herself miles into the air, in a southern direction, and soon found herself flying across the border into the state…
by Simon Black There was once a little red hen who wanted help planting her wheat seed so she asked our president. “Sure, little red hen, I’ll help ya,” said our president. “But first, I’ll have to see your papers.” “Papers?” said the little red hen. She didn’t know what those were. “Your citizenship papers,”…
Albert Einstein’s ostensibly racist observations that were recently unearthed in his private travel diary written in 1922 have been proven to be relatively unracist compared to your own racist thoughts. Yes, it’s true, he didn’t much seem to like the Chinese, whom he thought had too many children and appeared “spiritless and obtuse.” However, using…
“We do accept all fat people, and we accept ourselves for being fat,” said Maureen O’Rourke, leader of the Virginia Chapter of Fat Acceptance America. “However, we felt we needed to pile on and kick Sanders out, now that she’s been thrown out of that restaurant. We’re worried that if she continues to get kicked…
Here are personalized recommendations for you based on items you purchased or reviewed. Click here to see why these items were recommended. Building Your Own Wall: Illustrated Instructions And Plans For Indoor And Outdoor Walls (How To Build Series) Dec 4, 2012 by Steve Lage Paperback Women’s crotchless panties, size extra large. Justgoo Womens Open Crotch…
OUT OF OFFICE REPLY – DOWN IN THE DINGLE Sorry, we are currently away from the Dingle on summer vacation. We will return in a few days. In the mean time, please take a look at our top five out of office replies that we received from you all, thank you, keep up the great…
They attack in broad daylight, armed with nunchucks, ninja swords, stars, daggers, knuckle dusters and chain mail – oh, and digital sound recorders. These are the last words of their victims, all of whom were spotted in West Coast lifestyle, living and design magazines and websites, discussing their lovely redesigned homes and gardens. “Each room…
Her name is Kelsey. She would like to make it known to the world that she has accomplished everything she hoped to accomplish on Instagram. And now she is at a loss. How should she proceed from here? What more is there to do, now that she has done it all? I am here to…
The analyst behind a Wall Street Think Tank that predicted some of the most catastrophic and surprising events of the past half-century is now 100 percent sure that we are doomed. No, he’s not a psychic or a fortune teller. He’s just a really smart fellow, who attended Harvard and at the Sorbonne in Paris,…
“Hello everyone, welcome to HQ, your favorite trivia mobile app. It’s Scott Rogowsky here, your quiz maestro. Tonight we’re partnering with website Down in the Dingle Dot Com for an extra special jackpot which…” (signal lags, host returns mid-sentence) “…over there. So let’ get started. Question one. Qumero, numero uno! What do humans breathe? Is…
(thanks Terrence Edwards) He is the same pockmarked, beer-bellied Bukowski, in an unbuttoned shirt and wearing Bermuda shorts, black socks and old sneakers. Only now he’s a ghost, so you can see through him a little bit. The ghost looks around, confused. Things have changed somewhat. Above him is a Panera Bread sign. The logo…
(from corporate board minutes, Feb. 2018) CEO presented the idea for opening Starbucks-style coffee bars all over the US and Canada serving our Folgers coffee. The potential upside is estimated to be 200-500 million dollars yearly revenue. Downside is the construction costs and real estate. CFO objected that we’ve never been in the construction or…
Hi, Dr. Yankinnit here. This is the fourteenth installment of our ASL online lessons. Thank you for sticking with us. This week is going to be an especially interesting and maybe difficult lesson. Be warned – American doesn’t make sense a lot of the time. Just be patient and you will get it. So you…
Hi folks. I was so good at mansplaining things to my lovely wife Delores that she suggested I write a weekly advice column where I take questions from the little ladies and mansplain the answers to them. Here we are in week 66 and it’s been a lot of fun. This week I got some…
Don’t you want to know this very interesting tidbit about this celebrity and his or her fascinating life? I am sure you never knew this about this celebrity. Therefore I have prepared a slide show for you. Each slide that loads up on your internet page will come with a host of ads that will…
Amazing behaviors of mothers in natural world We know human mothers are amazing—we certainly wouldn’t be here without ‘em! But on this Mother’s Day, we thought it appropriate to take a look at some of the amazing mothers in the natural world, who also demonstrate the qualities of courage, sacrifice, grace and compassion. These come…
by Simon Black I used to get really frustrated driving around Los Angeles. Not any more. I figured out the secret to enjoying driving in heavy traffic. It’s all in your mind. For instance, you might think you’re stuck in traffic on the freeway. But observe your speedometer. You might be going 20 mph. That’s…
I know it seems hard to believe, but this mathematician and genius, Dr. Peter Fontana, Phd., figured out that people have been playing the lottery completely wrong all these years. Using simple mathematical principles that any sixth grader could understand, this genius made millions and millions of dollars from various lottery jackpots all over America. …
By Simon Black (with thanks to Terence Edwards) It’s very exciting how the advanced technology of Hollywood has mixed with the most primitive nonsense mankind has ever dreamed up, isn’t it? I sit eating my popcorn agog at the special effects created by these scientists, programmers and robotics experts and I feel that I am…
Funniest mistaken text messages contest results. Thanks everybody. We received thousands of entries, all of which were hilarious, showing us the perils of the digital communication age. Sometimes you hit send before you check you you’re sending it to. These are the funniest ones with their responses once the sender realized the error. Fifth Place,…
It’s been good to me, there’s no doubt about that. I had more than thirty thousand children and grandchildren and all the rest. It’s been quite a time up here on the rafters of this barn. I got nothing to complain about in this life. Except that damn pig. I don’t know if you heard…
It’s the Funny Free Stuff Section – please feel free to contribute one below! (Thanks Terence Edwards) Free LA Country Thomas Guide Street Atlas (LA County) I just found out about this thing called Google maps, so awesome! Free fish tank and supplies (Hesperia) He looked at me funny, what can I say. I showed…
Can’t believe I fell for it again! This is undoubtedly the thousandth time I’ve taken the bait. An amazing link about some incredible thing in outer space. Some super great discovery about some galactic something or other. Some incredible telescope image or some images sent back from some satellite or orbiter. Alright, let’s face it. …
Making baby noises and then later… Talking in a baby voice and then later… Talking in a grown up voice and then later… Talking in an old man voice and then… Rattling and then finally… Remaining mum for the rest of time. Giving birth to a river. Giving resuscitation to another mouth, hopefully never…
The Dingle was founded on April 19, 1961. Of course, there was no internet back then. But our first installment of Dinglish humor was “posted” on that day. Who remembers? I do! April 19, 1961. BIRTH Holy Shit! What the fuck! Where the hell am I? And what the hell just happened? I feel like…
Marilyn Monroe Helena Drive, April 15 Having trouble sleeping tonight. I feel like a candle in the wind. Posted 13h ago in General 8 Thanks – 34 Replies Elton John, 8h ago, Santa Monica Blvd. Try laying off the speed you stupid cow. Tom Cruise, 8h ago, Fountain Ave Anybody know how to get a jar…
(To the Tune of “Vincent”, by Don McLean) Starry starry night Poster frame of blue and grey I saw at a yard sale today Who would buy that? I really want to know? Shadows on the porch Some golf clubs and a tiki torch Some dirty jeans and women’s shorts A print by Escher and…
by Simon Black …
Amazon is introducing several new in home delivery services that work with five different smart lock brands to allow access to Amazon delivery men. For users of the sex toy delivery service, the delivery man will place the device in any part of the home or body specified by the customer. Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos…
Sobernon is a support group for people whose friends have stopped drinking and become super boring. A lot of us are really bothered by our friends’ recoveries. We just don’t say anything. And we pretend to still enjoy hanging out with them, sipping sparkling water or meeting for a coffee. Or sometimes we drink a…
Do you remember that woman was going to start an online service where you rate your friends a la Yelp restaurant reviews? There was a big public outcry and I don’t think it ever started. So I’m starting it today. And here is the first review. My Co-Worker Marcy. Zero stars. (Imagine there’s a little…
by Simon Black …
Correction — the Dingle erroneously reported today that Herman Munster was a suspect in the recent truck attack in Muenster, Germany. Herman Munster was not in the country at the time of the attack and should not have been named. Lilly Munster also is not considered a suspect, although police do not know if she…
I was split between two worlds. When my family moved to Upstate New York it was all so new and strange to me, since I had been born in Northern New Jersey. The Upstate New Yorker’s had their own language. They called the soft drink “pop” but back in New Jersey we called it…
I don’t know. When I first realized I was going to be raised by wolves after I got lost in the jungle when I was only a boy of five, I was quite excited. This is going to be like Jungle Book, I thought. Maybe I would be singing with bears and fooling around with…
This is a story of heroism. I know most hero stories involve people trying to help others, like firemen or soldiers or great leaders. People who took great risks in order to better society. Not this one. This addiction memoir tells the story of a person whose only claim to fame was their sorry addiction…
1) You want the world to be better because a) Your wings are made of silk b) you are an activist c) you are a thought leader d) the world’s not reaching up to your standards 2) You want people to be nicer and to care more because a) Your soul is pure white…
You know you are an adult when taking care of your parents is harder than taking care of your kids You know you are an adult when you are excited about getting a new: 1. Refrigerator 2. Stove 3. Dishwasher 4. Washing machine 5. Dryer 6. All of the above You know you are an…
Yes, I am in complete agreement with the Pope’s latest pronouncement, that there is no hell, and that those who die in sin merely disappear, while those good souls join God and Jesus in heaven. Finally somebody with the nerve to speak the truth! There is no hell. There is no eternal fire. I do…
I found two lists, not sure what they are. Any help appreciated. List 1 Logan Wyatt Roman Josh Jake C. Jake W. Jake D. Jake J. Zach Tanner Cooper Jack Max D. Max F. Max J. Max D.-F. Cody Owen Austin Ethan Lucas Luke Tanner Tyler Is this list: A list of cowboys who have…
If you liked Gone Girl and The Girl on the Train and The Woman in the Window you are going to love The Girl in the Window on the Train is Gone. This thriller with a fascinatingly flawed female protagonist is entirely original, but similar enough to those other successful female thrillers that you will love…
If a neurologist could somehow insert a camera deep into the human brain and show us on a primal level how we perceive one another, we would be quite surprised. We actually don’t see each other as people at all. The unconscious brain is not sophisticated enough to group its imagery under a coherent category…
Click on the link below to see some of the most attractive mug shots that have ever been taken. Who knew that a mug shot could be this sexy and smokey and alluring and really hot? Well, we all knew that a mug shot could be hot. It is either hot or cold or lukewarm. …
Schlitterbahn water park CEO says the rides are safe and that people who are afraid to come there are just pussies. “Just because a kid was decapitated on one of our most popular rides,” said new park CEO Herman Godfrey, “Some wimpy cry babies are saying our park is dangerous.” The Kansas amusement park is…
I mean its really horrible. I don’t know why anyone would want to watch it. It’s the kind of thing you can unsee. But first we have a brief advertisement selling sweatshirts. Then you will be warned once again about the disturbing nature of the video and you will have to swear that you are…
Our beloved Nanny Rosanna is no longer needed, as our youngest Quincy has started pre-k classes – I know, sob! We consider Rosanna almost one of the family and it is so sad to think of her being unemployed not that we’re giving her the boot, so we want her to find a new family…
In a secret competition that AI-driven robot cars have started amongst themselves, the car that struck and killed a pedestrian in Arizona was only awarded ten points because, as a robot-driven Prius commented yesterday, “It was an old person, which is minus five points, but the driverless car gets a five points bonus because it…
Enter Our Contest I never have to work again, because: a. I have become disabled b. Slavery was abolished c. 4 14 21 26 28 45 Mega-33 d. I have been convicted and sentenced to life in prison e. I am in a coma and not sure how I am administering this contest f. I…
by Vladimir Putin …
“Color me surprised,” said the genius physicist at the golden gates of heaven today as St. Peter approached him with a clipboard. “Yes, Professor Hawking,” said Peter. ”You were wrong about almost everything.” “Black holes?” “Black holes are the least of your worries,” chuckled St. Peter, glancing at the clipboard. “In this file here we…
Two 10th graders in suburban Massachusetts are doing an amazing thing, but to find out you are going to have to click below and then give your personal email information. This really is an amazing story because the two kids are really not that intelligent and haven’t been doing that well in their classes. In…
Everything that seems so great about my city is really very harmful The restaurants so fun, fattening me up for my first heart attack The bars so steam punk and sourced wood, make my alcoholism seem clever The weed emporiums so pungent, sap my motivation The new shops sustainable and running up my credit card…
To the great consternation of his neighbors, Glen Frybrook named himself supreme leader of Greenwood Square neighborhood in the Maplewood section of the city today. “This was unexpected and unprecendented,” complained one resident, Martha Graham, of the decree which was posted on the flyer placed in the mailbox of many homes in Greenwood Square. “I’m…
There was nothing. Just one infinitesimally small dog biscuit, the size of one atom. This dog biscuit, ironically, was a brand that I don’t even like – Milkbone. I think they have a funny aftertaste. And they are shaped like a bone, which is, frankly, patronizing. Dog owners, we know it’s not a bone, ok? …
A team has a round pot that has either stewed meats or a tofu broth. The object is to slide that stewpot down the ice to their neighbors who are less fortunate and can’t afford to eat. Also, the neighbors are neat freaks. They worry that the pot might mess up their house, so to…
ME: Come here boy. MAC: What’s up? ME: What’s the difference between a man and an ape? MAC: Hmmm, I think there are some genetic differences, no? ME: I guess so. But even if we have some different genes, I mean, aren’t we basically apes? MAC: What’s brought this on? ME: I went to the…
(as seen on NextDoor, the neighborhood social network app) CESAR BIDOUX– Plymouth Blvd. 2 d. ago. Two girls, about 10 years of age came to my house saying house is pretty would you let me visit the house inside. I said no. They left, a black car with no plates was waiting about two houses north,…
Elon Musk: This is Elon.
Me: Hello. This is Josh.
Elon Musk: How’s it going.
Me: Pretty good. I’m driving home from Santa Monica. I had to go out there to pick up some books that were being bound. But they were all falling apart so
You were the f-boy at the club hoping to hook up with some hottie to rail. I was the overly attached female at the bar sipping chardonnay through a straw. I didn’t look up and catch your eye when you came up to order your pretentious cocktail. I totally didn’t see you and I guess…
Dealio.com (DLLOO) This company offers special deals and apps that go ding and sometimes they call you up in the middle of the night on your land line and hang up but most often they possess the bodies of friends you meet in the bar who say what’s the dealio and I would strongly recommend…
Helen: There is a shooter on campus. I am
not joking. Call 911 please. Send them to the
high school.
Kate: Damnnn girl. Too soon.
Helen: It’s not a joke. It must be a copy cat killer.
They’re shooting through the walls of the classroom.
Idk if you are getting this message.