How We See Each Other
If a neurologist could somehow insert a camera deep into the human brain and show us on a primal level how we perceive one another, we would be quite surprised. We actually don’t see each other as people at all. The unconscious brain is not sophisticated enough to group its imagery under a coherent category like “humanity”. The unconscious works with discreet and often incoherent images and associations.
Men, for instance, unconsciously see their friends as sports teams. Their best friends are seen grouped together on a successful dynasty team, often the New York Yankees or the Miami Dolphins during the Bob Griese years. Picture one friend dropping back to throw the ball, and another friend catching it, and the whole gang of friends jumping on each other in the touchdown celebration. That’s what happens in the unconscious mind of the male. Friends they don’t know that well are seen as nondescript middling teams, the Edmonton Oilers, for example. Picture them in the middle of a boring game that the man has trouble paying attention to. Weirdo’s or freaks or losers show up in the unconscious mind of the male as a bad MLS team, like the Portland Timbers. Picture them playing a dumb sport like soccer. And playing it badly. Falling down, pretending to be injured, hamming it up in a really unmanly way, crying at the referee who shakes his head in disgust at the sight of them.
Women, on the other hand, don’t see their friends as sports teams at all. Women see their friends as clothing brands and other things that can be shopped for. For example, their best friends show up in the brain camera of the unconscious mind as a comfortable pair of Lulumon yoga pants or Guess jeans. In the unconscious mind these pants walk around by themselves, do little dances, and talk. They have become more or less “animated”. Friends whom women admire are seen as classy Anne Klein suits or nice bottles of Chanel perfume. Picture the perfume bottle talking, or singing a song, maybe out of the mouth of the little perfume sprayer, so that her song is accompanied by a cloud of lovely aroma. Strange freaky friends whom women don’t understand are seen by the unconscious mind as fashion mistakes, like shorts over jeans or ultra-cropped sweatshirts. Again, picture this clothing without anybody in it, prancing around. Geeky girls and nerds they see as a pair of Crocs or in some cases a pair of Ugg sneakers. That’s right, poorly thought out shoes. Merely footwear. No humanity whatever.
Before you get your pitchforks out for me and this seeming sexism, rest assured these are not my ideas. These are the empirical results of this remarkable camera that has been inserted into the human unconscious. Don’t expect the unconscious mind to match political correctness or to survive the rigors of identity politics and cultural studies. The unconscious mind is the remnant of a monster, after all – the living, breathing human beast, primeval, strange, deluded, drooling.
So let’s continue.
The camera would find that men sometimes see their family members as video games. For example, every man’s father is either seen as Asteroids or Pong, and their Mom is Ms. Pac-Man. Their older brother is Grand Theft Auto and the girl they have a crush on is, unsurprisingly, Final Fantasy XII. Picture an old arcade game – a heavy box with legs – walking around in the house. That is a family member of the male.
Women don’t see their family as video games, but as card games. Their dads are the game Penuckle. Their moms are seen as the game Hearts or Spades. Their annoying little brother is either Spit or War, and their little sister is Crazy Eights. So picture now, Alice in Wonderland-like – decks of cards with faces that talk and move around in the family of the female. It’s rather strange but beautiful, isn’t it?
Men see some people as historical figures. Their elementary school teacher is often Abe Lincoln. If their elementary school teacher is female, she is Abe Lincoln with a wig on, but for some reason still sporting the beard. The wrestling coach is Ulysses S. Grant and the school bus driver is the mass murderer John Wayne Gacy. Go ahead, click on that link and you will see a picture of every man’s school bus driver, as it appears in his unconscious mind. Picture time folding in on itself, as great and terrifying figures from the past emerge in the present of the male, in his school. Weird and wonderful!
Women see their teachers as movie stars, usually George Clooney, but sometimes stars from the distant past like Clark Gable, all in black in white in their colorful world. Their female teachers are Reese Witherspoon and the volleyball coach is also Reese Witherspoon. The bus driver is an intense Charlize Theron. Picture the young female involved with these fascinating celebrities and these talented actors and actresses. It’s amazing, isn’t it?
Finally, men see the world as a vast periodic table. Anonymous people on the street are the element Hydrogen. Poor people are seen as one of the poor metals, for example Bismuth or Polonium. The rich are the noble gases, Argon, Xenon or Radon. The world population is divided into states of matter – the West being solid, the rest of the world is either liquid or gas. Picture the entire world as a grand science experiment being performed in the laboratory of the male. Be careful, though, some of the materials are quite hazardous.
A woman sees the world as a zoo map. In the first exhibit are the flamingos, standing elegantly on one leg – and that exhibit is her Self. She sees men as pythons, copperheads and cobras slithering in the snake house or spiders crawling up the glass walls in the insect pavilion. The woman’s place of work is the monkey house. Her commute home is the safari tram ride through the savanna exhibit. Her own house is the zoo restaurant, and there are noisy children making a mess there. The zoo is also a prison. In the unconscious mind of the female she has been imprisoned – by whom?
Men see the woman of their dreams as a very expensive Italian sports car, usually a Lamborghini but sometimes a Ferrari and on occasion an Alpha Romeo. Women see the man of their dreams as a very expensive Italian overcoat, made of cashmere, or a very wonderful smelling leather briefcase, one that might be called an attaché case, to give it a Euro flair. Men see the woman they are actually in relationship with as a Hyundai Sonata that needs its brakes changed. And women see their own mates as a fast food meal, sometimes Carl’s Junior but often, inexplicably, Jack in the Box.
Men see life itself as a game that they are winning but that is sometimes very boring. The thing that they want more than anything else in the world appears to their unconscious mind as a very large double-decker sandwich. Women see life itself as a beautiful blue bird who has landed on the lawn in front of their window. The thing they want more than anything else is to be able to fly away like that bird just did.
How do I know this? I am the author, and omniscient. I am a god. To the unconscious mind of the reader the author always appears this way. But the author, in his own unconscious mind, appears to himself as a performing Vaudevillian, kicking his knees up five shows a night. Ready for the tomatoes.
This is how we see each other.
CORRECTION: Turns out none of this was true. The camera was mistakenly aimed not at the unconscious mind of the male or the female but at a text book about gender stereotypes in American society. When scientists corrected the error and aimed the camera at the unconscious mind of the male and the female, what they saw was, unfortunately, unprintable.
