A Few Questions from Your Dog

 

Now that they’ve invented this great new app — Doggielingual — which translates dogs’ thoughts into words and sends them to their owners, I have just a few things I would like to ask you, my owner and of course my best friend.

First, what’s with this obsession with my poop? You take me out for a walk. I do my business. And, for some ungodly reason, you stoop down and put it in a little bag as though it were some kind of treasure.

You know it’s poop, right?

Second, what’s with your math skills? I hear you, every time someone asks you tell them I’m 4 years old. That’s a little insulting. I’m not a little boy. You know I’m 28, right? And last year when I was 21 you told everyone I was 3. It’s like you’ve got some weird number system where everything you divide everything by seven. What am I missing here?

Third, why won’t you let me sniff your butt? You know that’s the way dogs greet each other, right? But you swat my nose away whenever it goes there. It hurts my feelings.

Fourth: Why won’t you sniff my butt? Don’t you love me? And how do I reconcile question number four with question number one? I mean, if you’re so obsessed with my poop it seems….

Fifth, what’s so bad about “jumping up.” I’m excited to see you. I jump up. I want to put my paws on you. I want to love you. Is that so wrong?

And why do you get to jump up and not me? Oh yes, remember, you took me down to the basketball court. That was a dark day for me. What did I see you doing? Over and over again. That’s right…you were jumping up. Weren’t you? Jumping and jumping. Hypocrite.

Sixth, and most importantly:

Where did you go! You left the house. You got in the car and you drove away. Why did you leave? Is it something I did wrong? It’s been like 3 minutes already. Are you ever coming back?

Is it ‘cause I tried to sniff your butt?