Apple Just Became a Trillion Dollar Company — and in a Way, So Did We

photo by by Julian O’hayon  

Dear employees of Southland Dynamics,

I’m sure you heard the news. Apple is a great company and they have passed a great milestone. I just wanted to write this letter to assure you that you have made the right choice coming here to Encino, California to work for this 12 person startup, instead of going to Cupertino and flying away on that terrific spaceship that Apple just built. Believe me, you have. Southland Dynamics, Inc. is going places, and going there fast.

But a trillion dollars, it must be admitted, is a great deal of money. If you had taken that job offer from Tim Cook, no doubt your options would have increased about a thousandfold and you’d be set for life. Instead, you’re toiling in obscurity in the scorching heat of the San Fernando valley in a bland office space next to a kebab joint on Victor Boulevard.

“Are we the next Apple?” you might ask. That might cheer you up. But I submit to you that this is the wrong question. Sure, we might be in vaguely the same business. We are a tech company, although exactly what sort of tech company we are, as you know, is still being debated. But one thing is certain — we’re no Apple. And I’m no Steve Jobs.

Have you ever heard me yell at anybody or demean anybody? Alright, there was that episode with the UPS guy but he was trying to charge me for an Amazon refund shipping fee that I had already paid! Damn. Other than that I’ve never raised my voice in here, you will all agree to that.

Yes, I hear you Chuck. I’ve never raised your salaries either. Ha ha. But at least I’m paying them. Only one week out of our thirty weeks of existence have the paychecks not gone though, and that was as a result of a screw up by our investment angel, not me.

My Aunt Gladys is so awesome, and it’s so great that she threw a hundred and fifty thousand dollars into this venture (which, yes, Chuck, I hear you, is about to run out — tell me something I don’t know!) She’s not so good with actually keeping the books, but since I’ve invited her daughter Erin to take over that side of things, we have had no repeat of that mishap.

I invite you to consider that we might be worth even more than a trillion. According to last month’s numbers, our Dynamics Database app has sold fourteen copies. At five dollars a piece that’s 60 dollars. Sixty dollars can be split into a trillion parts. I tried it on the calculator and I didn’t really understand the answer (Bruce, I know you’re a math whiz, explain it to me later). The number they gave me was 6e-11. Whatever that number means, there are a trillion of them in 60 dollars. So if we issued a new currency that had a 6e-11 coin, Southland Dynamics would be worth a trillion.

It’s all relative, people.

And I mean that literally, too. I have three relatives working here, you’re welcome cousins, and second cousins. Dan, Joachim, Lisa. We are a family both figuratively and literally.

To be quite honest with you, though, we have about three weeks left. Then even Aunt Gladys won’t be able to help us. Trust me, I had lunch with her yesterday at Le Pain Quotidien. She’s not going to invest any more in Southland Dynamics.

So what are we, guys? That’s what we need to figure out. Are we a database company, an app company, or are we a database app company? Let’s choose. And let’s sell something, fast. Or else we’ll all be huffing it up to Silicon Valley looking for a couch to sleep on.

Now back to work. Oh, I’m ordering from the kebab today, they have a special on chicken Lula. Let me know what you want.

Thanks for your time. Thanks a trillion!

(See what I did there?)