Are you a helicopter, lawnmower or snowplow parent? Take our quiz

1. Your 8th grader misses the school bus home. You:

a. Cancel your afternoon meeting and race to school in your Volvo to pick him up. b. Let him walk a mile and a half — you did, in the snow with no shoes when you were a kid. c. What 8th grader?

2. Your kindergartner can’t finish his ABCs or count to ten. You:

a. Hire medical, psychological, physiological, and allergy specialists to get to the bottom of this. b. Spank him while singing the alphabet song, pinch him while counting to ten. c. Kinder what now?

3. Your 10th grade daughter is going to the dance with her female friends as a group. You:

a. Drive them in your minivan, volunteer at the dance serving pretzels, and after the dance take them to the Michelin-star restaurant you paid out of your 401K to stay open late. b. Tell your daughter she’s grounded. c. Tell her lesbian is your favorite porn category.

4. Your preschooler is shy and won’t talk to the other kids. You:

a. Put a remote controlled speaker in her backpack and imitate her voice while instructing her how to move her lips like a puppet. b. Show her the Helen Kelly story The Miracle Worker over and over until she breaks. c. Tell her you wouldn’t talk to those idiots either.

5. Your daughter’s college counselor did not advise she apply to Ivy league schools. You:

a. Sue the counselor, the school, the district, and the State of California. b. Cancel that big graduation party you promised her. c. Get excited about Arizona State because…party!

6. Your seventh grader’s science teacher told the kids the world is 6,000 years old and Jesus rode dinosaurs. You:

a. Drive your child immediately to the Museum of Natural History while playing the audio book of Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion on the car radio. b. Explain to him that you’re sure that he misheard and that his teacher could not possibly have said that Jesus rode dinosaurs. c. Put on the Flintstones, serve up the Bronto burgers and tell that kid to lighten up for fuck’s sake.

7. Your child is being picked on by a fifth grade boy. You:

a. Have that kid’s parents meet you in the principal’s office, show up to the meeting with your lawyer, and bring the principal and her assistant home-baked cookies b. Teach your son the forward palm punch that pushes the victim’s nose up into their brain. c. Pour your son a Scotch.

8. Your school asks for money. You:

a. Give them a building. b. Give them a basket of bath products for the silent auction. c. Give them the finger.

SCORING:

The only correct answers are c. But if you put c you probably no longer have custody or perhaps even visiting rights so it’s a moot point.