Artificially Intelligent Toilet Paper: The Future of Bum-Wiping

 

Clearly the most impressive display at the Las Vegas CES convention of new tech this year was in the men’s room. The convention provided certain stalls with the AI toilet paper, which according to Johnnie Honeypot, founder of rest room robotics firm WC Inc., revolutionizes the experience of wiping up.

“You never really know, do you, exactly how hard or how soft to press when you’re wiping,” said Honeypot. “Now thanks to machine learning, your toilet paper will sense the right amount of pressure and apply it for you. Your hand is just along for the ride.”

The experience is exhilarating, I must admit, having tried it. But it won’t be cheap. Says Honeypot, “We’re hoping with scale to come down in price, but right now the robotics and the nano-tech and the machine learning are quite costly.”

One bag of smart loo roll will set you back around thirty thousand dollars and should last the average family about two weeks.

“I know,” says Honeypot. “Who wants to spend that much money on pooing, right? Well, you’d be surprised. We’ve already got more orders than we can possibly fill. We’ll be entering production hell for the next few months. Billionaire bums are clamoring for this stuff.”

Well, until I become a billionaire, I guess I’ll be wiping my bum the old fashioned way — with unintelligent TP that has no real understanding of what my ass needs.