As a Crazy Blind Person I have Mixed Feelings About Bird Box

As a Crazy Blind Person I have Mixed Feelings About Bird Box


As a crazy person I take offense to the movie Bird Box which stigmatizes us crazy people as hateful and villainous.

But as a blind person I have to congratulate this movie for making us blind people the heroes of the scary piece of Netflixia.

As a crazy blind bird, however, I am outraged at the treatment of birds. Four birds in a little box, not even the size of a shoe box? That is horrible.

But one of the most offensive things about the movie was the treatment of the fat jolly black African American. As soon as I saw this guy, I knew he was going to be the first to die. As someone who has one percent of African DNA according to 23and me, I am deeply offended. As someone who is also fat, I have to wonder, why does the jolly fat person always have to die first in these horror movies? Do we hate fat people that much?

Sorry, it has just been pointed out to me, the first to die was a white woman (the sister).

As a white woman trapped in the body of a fat black African American blind bird, I am resentful and angry.

The next person to die actually was a gay Asian.

As someone who is attracted to gay Asians I found that to be homophobic and wrong. I never put “no rice” when I go on the gay dating sites. I want rice, and lots of it!

But the most offensive thing of all about this movie was its treatment of amorphous nameless demon forces.

As an amorphous nameless demon force, I can assure you I have no intention of exterminating humanity. I just want to be as much of a pain in the ass as I can during my short time on this planet.

Being faux outraged at characterizations of various ethnicities, genders, body types and sexualities has been just what the doctor ordered this morning.

I feel great! Put on your blindfolds, hypocritical complainy types, I’m coming for you!

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