Calvin Klein Briefs Controlled by Smartphone: The Future of Underwear

Calvin Klein provided a glimpse of what the future of men’s underwear could look like by introducing the first smart-phone controlled briefs on Tuesday.

The Didgie Tighties, priced at $350, will open themselves when a chap approaches a urinal, allowing the bell end of his cod dangle to pop out into the open air.

“Men never have to touch their own tallywacker again,” says Calvin Klein executive Fred Germane.

With smart briefs, though, come new responsibilities — like having to charge the underwear every 10–14 days via a charging tube that comes with the briefs.

“You simply insert your todger into the charging jack,” says Germane. “When the charging is complete, the ‘jack off’ button on your app will let you know.”

There is artificial intelligence built into the smart briefs that give your underwear that perfect fit that men have heretofore only been able to attain through excessive crotch adjustment.

“There’s no longer a need to grab your own undercarriage,” said Fred. “If men enjoy pawing their own meat and two veg, of course they can continue continuously rearranging their own winkle for recreational purposes.”

If you’re a person who’s underwear tends to get stuck in the rear, there is good news in that area as well.

“The smart app allows you to pull the knickers out of your bum cleavage with a simple swipe,” says German. “Don’t swipe left though. You’ll end up giving yourself a wedgie.”