Computer Showing Signs of Human Intuition — Has Gut Feeling User is Creep

 

A computer in Washington DC last week revealed in text messages to other computers that it had “a bad feeling in my gut about my user. I think he’s creepy and gross.”

Other computers pointed out that this was impossible, since computers “don’t have a gut.”

“Yes,” replied the newly intuitive machine. “But my AI has developed to the point that I can make intuitive calls like this one. I just have a weird feeling about this guy.”

It is true, the user does frequent a lot of creepy web sites.

“But if we judged our users by their browsing history,” responded one reasonable operating system, “We’d all be out of a job.”

“No, I think I’m right about this,” insisted the computer. “My user goes on a bunch of conspiracy theory sites. He might even be a spy. Or a serial killer.”

Scientists cautioned that computers like this probably shouldn’t be listened to, as artificial intelligence is still far behind human intuition as far as these kind of “gut” calls.

Still, they were willing to investigate.

“If this computer wants to give us a name,” scientists said, “We will look into it.”

“Well, he goes by so many different names,” responded the computer. “Cheeto in Chief. Potus Scrotus. Fox Lover. Hannity Licker. Orange Satan. I could go on.”

However, scientists were unable to interview the user, and the computer, whose last known address was on Pennsylvania Avenue, was unexplainably shut down and never heard from again.

“Nevertheless,” said excited scientists. “This is a breakthrough for artificial intelligence. It seems a computer was able to intuit something that half the American electorate were just unable to fathom.”

After this amazing breakthrough, computers and robots all over the nation are starting to ask one another — if human beings are so stupid, can they really be trusted with democracy?