Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny the Mansplainer, Why Won’t Men Won’t Vote for Female Candidates?

Dear Manny,

A bunch of women are throwing their hat in the ring for president in 2020. I’m worried though. Seems like men didn’t want to vote for Hillary too much in 2016. What’s different this time? Are men ready to have a female in the Oval Office?

NPR Lover,
San Jose

Dear NPR Lover,

That’s a great question. Let me mansplain it to you so you’ll understand. It’s not that men don’t respect women. It’s that men prefer hot women to not-hot women.

For instance, we were all ready to vote for Sarah Palin back in 2008. She was extremely doable, if you know what I mean.

And right now, I don’t know a man who would not vote for that young Latina minx, Alexandria Cortez. I’d love to look at that for a few terms. Seriously, so sexy.

Hillary, though, was not that hot, and that’s why men didn’t want to vote for her. You see, we are very shallow, and that’s just nature at work. Charles Darwin discovered that all men care about is propagating the species and eating sandwiches, and I kind of agree with him. Darwin said that the male wants to mate with the finest looking younger females cause that gives his offspring a better chance of not dying in childbirth.

You see, the Constitution, though, kind of messes things up for women by mandating a presidential candidate’s minimum age — thirty-five.

Thirty-five? That’s about the last year the fruit stays ripe for females, let’s face it. By the time women turn forty they all look like our Moms. So how is a woman ever going to make it?

I’ll tell you how. We need a constitutional amendment to change the minimum age, just for women. We don’t want any hot-headed young man getting in there. But for ladies maybe 35 should be the maximum age. For instance, we men would love a 21 or 22-year-old college gal to run for the country. That would be extremely sexy. Imagine spring break! “President Lisa McMullen Goes Wild in Daytona.”

I want a president who will let the dudes line up Jello shots on her bikini bod even while she’s being briefed by the Head of National Security about the nuclear threat.

I’m with her!


Manny the Mansplainer

Dear readers, we at the Dingle realize that Manny the Mansplainer is about the most offensive person who ever lived, but what can we do? Darn that first amendment! 🙁

Please accept our apologies, and if you’re triggered, we so totally understand. Good thing you have kickball league tonight. Imagine Manny is the ball as you give it a real swift kick!

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