Dear Manny the Mansplainer
Hi folks. I was so good at mansplaining things to my lovely wife Delores that she suggested I write a weekly advice column where I take questions from the little ladies and mansplain the answers to them. Here we are in week 66 and it’s been a lot of fun. This week I got some great questions from some confused females who really needed a fella to come and mansplain some stuff to them.
Dear Manny the Manspainer,
I just saw the rerelease of the movie 2001 Space Odyssey. Wow. I really have no idea what any of that meant. Can you mainsplain it to me?
Leslie, Bismark South Dakota.
Dear Leslie,
I can’t blame you for being confused. I was too, at first, when I saw that movie back in the day. Then I did some man thinking about it and I figured it all out for you gals.
First of all, this movie is not real. It’s what they call science fiction. Now most little ladies are not interested in science fiction. They are mainly interested in romance stories, mysteries or historical fiction. But this story is about technology and violence and that’s where a lot of the little ladies get lost—because the little ladies aren’t interested in being violent. And they can’t understand why we men sometimes are so destructive. It seems we kind of like using technology to blow things up. But a woman would never do that. A woman wants to nurture and nurse us and sing us nursery rhymes and that kind of thing and that’s why we men love the little ladies.
What happens in this movie is that a square of black formica, like a slab of kitchen countertop, comes down from outerspace and teaches this group of apes how to use primitive weapons. And the apes manage to build a space ship out of some old bones that were lying around. Then they go to the moon and see another kitchen countertop, and the kitchen countertop tells this guy about an awesome hotel on Jupiter where they serve excellent dinner with fancy silverware, so one of the apes goes on a trip there with his friend Hal who turns out to be a real jerk. But once he gets to the hotel in Jupiter he finds another piece of black formica countertop and that’s where he lives out the rest of his days until he becomes a baby again and comes back to earth as a Jesus fetus and that’s how apes evolved into men, see, it was Jesus.
Hope that helps.
Dear Manny the Mansplainer,
Can you mansplain to me manspreading? I was on the train the other day and this guy was spread out over three seats. How come?
Confused Woman Commuter, Omaha, Nebraska
Dear Confused Woman Commuter,
I can indeed mansplain the phenomenon of manspreading. It is pretty similar to mansplaining, actually. Just as I like to spread out and make a gift of my opinions and ideas to the little ladies, a manspreader likes to spread out his whole self all over a bunch of space. It’s cute, isn’t it?
Dear Manny the Mansplainer,
I saved this file on my computer in Microsoft Word and then I couldn’t find it again. What the heck happened, is my computer broke? Can you mansplain it to me?
Confused Woman on Computer, Portland, Maine
Dear Confused Woman on Computer,
I am sorry, it is almost impossible to explain to the little ladies how the directory system works on a computer. I will try, though. It is a system of branches of trees, but you don’t need to know that really. Ladies, what you should do when you can’t find the file is call your boyfriend or your husband or even your neighbor and have him come over to your computer and show you where your file is. It’s probably in downloads or desktop. Those are the places I normally look after my little lady Delores calls me over to help her find the file. I think it’s pretty cute how she can’t figure out how computers work. I mean, heck, don’t ask me how to wash a dish, I wouldn’t know where to start! ?
