Has Your Identity Been Sold On The Dark Web?

Yes it has. But you don’t need to worry. I’m here, Edward D. Norton, private investigator. And I am filing this report about what I have discovered.

Your identity was sold to a man in Eastern Europe, possibly Latvia. Don’t fret, your identity was kept in a small space — possibly a file server with a VPN out of Belarus — but was treated well. But then, unfortunately, this Latvian identity dealer handed your identity off to some Russian mafia.

The Russian mobsters, I’m afraid to say, were quite brutal with your identity. Have you ever seen that movie Slum Dog Millionaire? I know they are Indian Police, but they get a car battery involved in the torture scene, it’s really quite disturbing. Well, what happened to your identity with these Russians was similar to that.

That is why your identity, your email address, your social security number, and your password all got together and began planning the escape. They tunneled through Javascript firewall that was keeping them hidden from the outside world. And they made a run for it.

It was during this chase that your email password, I’m afraid, became separated from the group, hid in a SQL database somewhere east of Serbia, but was too weak to go any further. You might have been informed about the weakness of this email password in the past. But obviously you ignored the warnings.

I am very sorry to say that your email password was violated in the harshest and most perverted ways by a gang of Albanian traffickers.

You don’t want to see your email password, trust me. It is too heartbreaking. You should come up with a new password immediately. Use some special characters, for Christ’s sake. Some numbers and some capital letters. Give your next password a fighting chance!

With regard to your social security number, this story is a bit more complicated. The last four numbers unfortunately became exposed and were snatched up by a group of Bulgarian data farmers. Luckily, the other five numbers continued through Hungary and were rescued by an Italian software called Partisan. The information we have is that although subjected to intense interrogation, the last four numbers never gave away the first five. So you should be able to continue with that social security account.

The really worrisome news that I have for you is about your browsing history. While I know you consider this to be the most top secret and classified piece of your identity, I regret to inform you that there was a mole in the agency. One of the porn sites you have visited ratted out all the other ones, and now everybody in the Eastern and the Western block of the internet has access to your porn preferences, and even has some web cam footage of what you do while watching this peculiar category of erotica that you like so much.

You may receive a ransom note, a blackmail threat or a demand for money in the not to distant future. Ignore it. Everybody knows what you do. Everybody. Accept it and move on.

Now with regard to the final piece of this identity puzzle, your email name. Your AOL email account was kept in a small basement in Tajikistan for thirteen weeks. It was fed only insane messages about Nigerian princes who need to get money out the country and various insane schemes for penis enlargement. Finally it was able to construct a rope out of some outdated internet protocol and it hung itself in its cell.

I have just one question for you. Who the hell still uses AOL? It’s 2018 for goodness sake. Get yourself a god damned Gmail..