Hey Women—Don’t Stoop to Our Level
There can be no doubt about it — this week with the Supreme Court nominee revealed as just another pervy male, it is not good times for men. The gender I’m so proud of has really let me down. I’m totally ashamed, and I have to admit, women would be justified in eliminating us. After all, we are no longer needed, as in sperm banks all over the world women have collected enough of our frozen spunk to continue populating the planet forever, and geneticists can spin the sperm in a certain way which will ensure that all future babies will be female. Utopia is within your grasp, women.
However, If you like us even a little and want to let us continue to live, we would be very grateful, and know that we hardly deserve such generosity.
But if we are going to continue to live together as opposite but equal genders, may we offer this very humble and well-meant advice as you rightfully take the reigns and lead us into the matriarchal promised land.
Stop imitating us.
As Bill Cosby is trotted off to jail, and this latest dude with the jack-hole face is correctly being prevented from ascending to the Supreme Court, I know we males deserve everything you throw at us. But women, hear me now: Don’t. Be. Sexist. It’s not right when we do it. And it’s not right when you do it.
This is what I mean. Below is a list of titles of real articles written by real women in real publications recently with the word men replaced by the word “women.” Do they seem slightly chauvinist?
When You Can’t Throw All Women Into The Ocean And Start Over, What CAN You Do?
Teaching Women to Be Emotionally Honest – The New York Times
The End of Women – The Atlantic
The Conclusive Theory of Why Women Suck – Part 1 (Hello Giggles)
Death Of The Real Woman: 27 Reasons Why Modern Women Suck
Why are some women so terrible, and what can we do about it?
The Unexamined Brutality of the Female Libido
Women: Are Even the Good Ones Bad?
White women are bad; even a six-year-old tells me so (The Times)
What’s Wrong With Women? (Psychology Today)
Why women never admit they’re wrong | Why women are stubborn (Cosmo)
Ways Women Act Out When They’re Wrong (And How To Handle It ..)
Why I’m not surprised when I hear that powerful women are fucking creeps- Eden Rohatensky
Gentlemen, stop explaining away women’s bad behavior – Elizabeth Tobey
The Pettiness of the Angry White Female – Charlotte Clymer
What My Stomach Parasite Taught Me About The Female Gaze – E Sailer Sklar
This Texting Lawsuit May Be The Epitome Of Female Entitlement – Tauriq Moosa
Are women scum? Satoshi Kanazawa
The Truth Behind Why Women Are Assholes (Elite Daily)
All Women are Jerks (Huffington Post)
Women are trash … end of discussion (Guardian),
Women Aren’t Monstrous, but Femininity Can Be
Don’t Blame Mental Illness for Mass Shootings; Blame Women – Politico
OK, that one really got me. Men, my gender, are to blame for mass shootings? Wait a minute, I’m a man, and I campaign actively for gun control. How am I responsible for mass shootings? Please. Do not tar us all with the same brush.
And anyhow, don’t you writers know there is no essential category of identity? It’s all a construction of discourse. Have you been to college? Did you not learn about intersectionality? A black MAN might relate more to the experience of a black FEMALE than a white MALE. A gay Fillipino MAN might relate more to a gay Fillipino WOMAN than to Mssr. Cavannaugh. A poor MAN might be closer in identity to a poor FEMALE or TRANS than to Bill Gates. In fact, there are no MEN and there are no UNICORNS. Sorry to burst your bubble.
In actual fact, there are no WOMEN either.
Yes, there is patriarchy. I’m all for ending patriarchy. We won’t accomplish it by hunting unicorns, sorry.
Does anybody object to the point I’m making?
“Yes, I do,” says a certain woman I live with. “It’s an unfair equivalence. It’s like asking slaves to be more polite to their masters.”
“We’ve been polite,” this unnamed person I live with claims. “Look where it got us. Nowhere.”
That seems to make sense, but darkness that way lies, my beloved. That way is ends justify the means logic. That’s the logic of fascists. We must be held to principals of equivalence. Women don’t get a special “I’m allowed to be sexist” card.
Do you know what? This list took me exactly thirteen seconds to compile on Google. There are literally thousands of articles like these horrific hate pieces. And they’re not in weird fringe publications. They are read in the New York Times and they are listened to, dear women, on your beloved NPR, that oh so gentle and loving liberal mouthpiece.
That is why the Dingle must publish this piece. We must be a voice of reason in a time of strife. We gain nothing by publishing this. I’m sure we will in fact gain scorn. But we are courageous. We are speaking out. And this is what we say:
Women – lead by example, we exhort you! Show us the way forward, we will follow!
