Hollywood Crazy for New Maasai Warrior Cow Blood and Milk Drink
When Maasai tribesman Musa Ujiri arrived in Los Angeles, the first thing he looked for was a cow.
“When you want to get married, you need to have a dowry to offer the bride family, so you try to get maybe twenty or thirty cows. Otherwise her parents won’t even talk to you.”
But it turned out the cow would be useful for a very different purpose. One day, a Hollwyood agent’s assistant staying in the same apartment building on Spalding Avenue saw Musa doing something she thought was quite horrible.
Said Melissa Gobert, “He stuck an arrow in the cow’s neck, and all this blood came spurting out into this kind of vase. Then he mixed the blood with some of the cow’s milk and started drinking. I was like, really hungry since I had been intermittent fasting, and cleansing for the last ten days. I was like, ‘Can I have a sip?’”
Musa and Melissa teamed up at a little storefront on Melrose Boulevard and began offering the authentic Maasai blood milk to morning commuters. They call their counter “Osaroi” which in Maasai means “blood that spurts out of a cow’s neck right into your mouth.”
“I just grab a spurt of blood and a couple squirts of milk, and I’m off,” said regular customer Daneil Wantamaker. “I can work out at the gym for like four hours on that stuff. It’s really potent.”
Once the ketogenic and paleo diet loving Los Angelenos found out about Osaroi, it didn’t take long for Musa and Melissa’s blood milk counter to really take off. Often in the morning you can see a line stretching half a block down Melrose.
“The people at Maxfields Gallery (the high end boutique) really got mad about the lines,” said Melissa. “So we’re looking for a bigger space. But it’s hard to find a landlord that will allow livestock. Plus, we’ve had a lot of complaints about the smell of cow dung.”
I noticed a few drops of creamy red milk dripping down her mouth. Melissa is not only the proprietor, she’s a devoted drinker of cow blood.
“I know, I know, it seems kind of vampiric,” said Melissa. “But it makes me feel immortal.”
I pointed out to Melissa that Maasai people all die, just like you and I, even though they drink the blood and milk mixture.
“Yeah, but I also take fish oil and Kardashian Flat Tummy Tea,” said Melissa.
“Plus we get the Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Vitamin IV twice a day,” chimed in Musa. “And don’t forget about the Yoni eggs.”
“Oh that’s private, honey,” said a blushing Melissa, as Musa revealed her use of the Lena Dunham egg shaped crystals that Hollywood ladies have been putting into their lady parts for unspecified “health reasons.”
They are such a cute couple, OMG! I asked them if wedding bells were ringing yet.
“Maybe after I have a hundred more cows I will make an offer to her parents,” said Musa.
“He’s kidding,” said Melissa, punching him in the shoulder. “He knows my parents are vegans.”
