I Would Like To Apologize to the Ant Community

It is the hot summer months here in Los Angeles, a time when millions and millions of you ants come into our homes and surround little specks of food on our counters, and it’s a little creepy to be quite honest with you.

In the past, I have definitely tended to paint all ants with the same brush.  I have grouped you together as a monolithic group.  I have called you names – “disgusting,” “horrible,” “gross.”

I have very recently killed about ten thousand of you revolting little pests, by simply spraying you with 409 cleaning spray.  Yes, it’s true, you don’t need to stink up your home with harsh chemical sprays.  Any cleaning spray will work.  And after you spray them, they kind of crumple up there in little piles of ants.

I have really grown fond of these little ant piles.

“You crawl no more,” I announce to the heaps of ants.  “Your creeping days are done.”

Because man these ants really do love to creep and crawl.  I followed a trail of ants from my kitchen back to its source.  It was really quite something.  It went up the wall, and down the wall, and out into the laundry room and through the bathroom and out through a little crack to the outside of my house, and across to the neighbor’s driveway where I was stopped by my neighbor, as usual, with his shotgun, and his little catch phrase, “Get the hell of my property before I shoot you.”

So I don’t know how much further this little trail of ants lead.  But there were so many of them, marching like soldiers, into my kitchen to chew on my crumbs.  And it did make me admire the species somewhat.

But then, I got annoyed again, just by the sight of them.  I am sorry, ants, just the sight of your creeping and crawling, and your multitudinousness, your very ubiquity.  Those are nice words, aren’t they?  But they describe a not nice feeling – a resentment at the proliferation of small creatures invading one’s house.

So I got out the spray and I killed a few more thousand of you.

Ants, I know you are probably more than marching automatons.  I don’t know if you have feelings and awareness of being, like I do.

Well, actually, I don’t have much feeling.   I mean, another person might have really worried after exterminating so many sentient (possibly) beings.

But ants, I am really sorry.  I admit, it feels good.  I’ve gotten used to it and I have to say, I enjoy killing you now.

I hope you will accept this apology in the spirit with which it is made.

(Spray….spray….spray…)

(Spray…spray…)

(Spray…)