If God Loves Us, Why Did He Make Carbs?

Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

 

As pastor here in Los Angeles I get asked a lot of questions, and I’ve been hearing this one a lot lately. I thought I would take this time out in the weekly church newsletter to attempt an answer. I’ll warn you, though, this is a tough one.

I’m sure you’ve been hearing this a lot lately — that carbs are responsible for just about all the evil in the world. And sugar, especially, leads to death.

I watched a documentary on Netflix where a woman cured herself of cancer simply by cutting out carbs and sugar. She didn’t even do chemo. Turns out, cancer cells love sugar, because sugar is the most vile and wicked food.

Carbs also cause autism and lots of other disorders, including asthma, according to this flick. And one thing is certain — carbs make us fat. And the devil wants us fat, so he can roast us on a spit when we’re in hell for all eternity.

Perhaps the worst thing to ever happen to the human race was bread. Farmers, those horrible people who started growing wheat and taught us how to mill it into flour and then kneed it into bread, they have a lot to answer for. According to the documentary, all this farming is also ruining the planet. So not only is it destroying our bodies, it is destroying this wonderful world we call home.

The second most horrible thing is probably donuts. I drive past the donut shops and I watch the people stuffing themselves with these little devilish delights, and I want to cry.

Why, God, I ask, why did you give us sugar and bread and donuts? Why didn’t you leave us with that healthy, sensible Paleo diet of the hunter gatherers, which consisted of protein, fat, berries and nuts? That is what our human body wants.

To find the answer, we must go back to the Garden of Eden. What did the serpent tempt Eve with? A piece of fruit. Today we call it an apple, but back in the biblical times it is likely that the fruit was some kind of date or fig. Either way, it was a serious carb bomb. Fruit is actually just candy that grows on trees. It is full of sugar. And it is bad. But did Adam and Eve listen to God? No, they listened to the devil.

So we really can’t blame God for the carb problem. Yes, God made the carbs, but we are the ones who made the original sinful choice of eating them.

Let’s move on to Cain and Abel. Abel offered God some livestock. Good hearty meat and fat and sinew. But what did his awful brother Cain offer him? Sheaves of grain that grew from the cursed ground. Carbs. How deeply offensive. God must have been pretty pissed off. Next thing you know, Cain is murdering Abel. Cain here probably stands for sugar cane. And murdering our own family is what we do when we serve our kids those nasty little juice boxes. Some legacy, huh?

Why did God allow this to happen? He is trying to teach us something. If we really open our eyes, we will see the answer, that carbs are responsible for all the evil in the world ever. I did a little research. Who’s the most horrible guy ever? Probably Hitler. Guess what Hitler was? A vegetarian. He ate no meat and tons of rice and grains along with his veggies. How did that end up? Not well. How about Pol Pot, another murderous maniac? He loved sticky rice and dumplings. Stalin? Have you seen those Russian piroshki? They are basically a ball of carbs that is thrown in boiling water. Stalin ate thousands of those a week. No wonder he murdered fifty million poor slobs.

“But didn’t Jesus break bread with his disciples,” someone asked me the other day.

It’s true, the Bible says that, but it is simply a mistranslation. The Aramaic for bread is actually the same word for low carb tortilla, which you can get on Amazon for pretty cheap, here is a link to my favorite, Mama Lupe’s. These tortillas have only 7 grams of carb, but they taste just as great as regular ones.

“But didn’t Jesus feed 5,000 people with five barley loaves?”

That is true. But in this case the Aramaic word is actually referring to this highly nutritious seaweed noodle, which you can order here. This “Miracle Noodle,” as it is called ironically, has only 2 carbs per serving, and is more likely to be what Jesus used to feed the multitudes.

So, you can see that God did give us carbs, but he also gave us these healthy carb alternatives. I’ll be honest with you, they don’t taste quite the same as the real deal. And when I was in France this summer doing “missionary work” you can bet I ate one or two baguettes and croissants. The bread over there is, well, I don’t have to tell you. They really know how to bake in that socialist hellscape called Europe.

But when I came back, I got right back on the paleo keto low carb horse. And I rode it like the horseman I am, right into the Apocalypse. Now that I’ve rid myself of the evil carb, I feel so much better and have a fighting chance to live long enough to make it to the singularity — that’s the event predicted by Google scientists when we’ll be able to download our minds into computers and live forever. But children, if you are banking on that, you really have to order my new Keto recipe book, Carb-Free, Sin-Free, Virtuous Cooking that will Make You Live Forever and Never Die. Enjoy, I hope this helped. Have a blessed, carb-free day.