Justin Bieber Feels “Confused” by Selena Gomez

I mean, let’s face it. It is a little creepy. A guy gets married. And all of a sudden his ex-girlfriend goes into a mental hospital for depression.

“I feel really confused,” said Justin. “I mean, one minute I was having the happiest experience of my life, rainbows and unicorns. Now it’s all kind of ruined…”

It is kind of ruined. I agree with Justin. Let’s talk to Justin’s new wife, whatever her name is.

“I don’t know,” said whatever her name is. “Listen, I was a huge fan of Wizards of Waverly Place. Although I was really bummed when I went to New York for the first time and I went down to Waverly Place and I looked all around and there was no sandwich shop. No wizards. I kinda feel…I don’t know, like tricked by Selena Gomez.”

Hmmm, that is confusing.

And what about her singing? What about that song, “I can’t Keep My Hands to Myself,” I don’t know, in this Metoo era, imagine if a guy sang that. In fact, imagine if Harvey Weinstein sang that. “I can’t keep my hands to myself!” That would be gross right? But it’s OK for Selena Gomez to sing that, why? Because she’s so cute?

 It is confusing, Justin. I get it. But hang in there, dude, you’ll make it through this. I know you will. I’m a Belieber.

See you in Calabasas this weekend ‘bra! Gonna be off the hook!