Magic Painting Wanted in Order to Keep Myself Young

Searching for artist who will paint my portrait and endow it with magical qualities so that after I lock it up in my attic I will cease to age.

Instead, I would like my face in this painting to age with the years as they pass while I stay young and beautiful.

Additionally, I would like all the horrible things I do to be reflected in the painting, rather than in my own visage.

As the years mount and my hedonistic, heartbreaking ways continue, I would like the painting of me to become thoroughly hideous.

But instead of stabbing the painting and becoming suddenly very old and dying, I will just continue living my life as a happy, carefree young man.

I mean, why would I stab the one thing that was keeping me young? Makes no sense. What do I care if there’s a hideous old painting in my attic? It won’t bother me in the slightest.

So anyhow, if you can paint me that kind of a portrait, please contact me right away as I’m certainly not getting any younger.

BTW, will the magic still work even if I’ve already had a face lift, botox, and a hair transplant?

Man, turning fifty really sucks.

Oh yeah, and my balls have sunk down to my knees. Will a magic portrait help that?

I’m guessing it would have to be a nude, am I right?