My dog explains what happened before the big bang

There was nothing.  Just one infinitesimally small dog biscuit, the size of one atom.  This dog biscuit, ironically, was a brand that I don’t even like – Milkbone.  I think they have a funny aftertaste.  And they are shaped like a bone, which is, frankly, patronizing.  Dog owners, we know it’s not a bone, ok?  We know it’s a store bought biscuit. 

So before the big bang, there was just this tiny  bone shaped dog biscuit.   But nobody wanted it. Because you know what – Milkbones suck.  It’s not just the aftertaste.  It’s the first taste and the second taste.  It’s like cardboard.

So nobody wanted to eat this bone.  Plus, there wasn’t anybody to eat it, even if it didn’t taste like cardboard.  Because there were no people and no dogs and no planets and absolutely nothing, ok?

But then something happened.  It’s called quantum fluctuation.  Quantum physics deals with probable events.  There was one probable event that given an infinite amount of time, eventually had to happen.  Now, first, you have to think of infinite time as way longer than, let’s say, a couple of dog years.  Infinite time is so much time even we dogs have a hard time conceptualizing it.

So after as many years as you can imagine, then times seven because they are dog years, something amazing was about to occur, because even though it seemed impossible, it was in some way possible.

Because there is a very very very slight possibility that a lousy tasting Milkbone dog biscuit could suddenly for no reason at all explode into the whole fricking universe.  It’s a small possibility, but that is all quantum physics needs.

So the biscuit was about to explode, but then something bad happened.  A gosh darned squirrel came by and ate the biscuit.  So the universe could not come into being.  This squirrel came out of absolutely nowhere, because if the first thing is possible – a biscuit exploding in a big bang – then the second thing is possible – a squirrel eating said biscuit before the big bang.

Everybody was really disappointed then because we had all waited so long – longer than you can imagine, as I have tried to emphasize.  Then multiply that by seven – for dog years.  Now we had to wait that long all over again.  And that was really hard. 

This time, luckily, no stupid squirrels came by and the biscuit exploded and you know the rest.  That’s how we got the laws of physics and you and me and everything else.  And that is why we hate squirrels.