My Phone Call with Elon Musk

Elon Musk: This is Elon

Me: Hello. This is Josh.

Elon Musk: How’s it going?

Me: Pretty good. I’m driving home from Santa Monica. I had to go out there to pick up some books that were being bound. But they were all falling apart so the guy is going to have to redo them and I’m going to have to go back there in a couple hours.

Elon Musk: Um… do you work for me? I’m sorry. I see so many people I don’t really…

Me: Oh no, I don’t work for you. I’m just calling you because I’m a big fan and I wanted to talk to you about something.

Elon Musk: How did you get this number?

Me: I did a little research.

Elon Musk: Ok. What did you want to talk to me about?

Me: Um… I wanted to talk to you about getting one of those 35 thousand dollar Teslas, no that’s not it, I wanted to talk to you about maybe going into outer space or Mars, no that’s not it either, I wanted to talk to you about that girlfriend Amber Heard, no that’s not it, I wanted to talk to you about…coming over.

Elon Musk: Coming over?

Me: To my house for dinner sometime. I would have a few friends over, a little dinner party, nice people. You would have fun. And we could drink some wine and talk about AI and whether we’ve summoned the demon, and tunneling, which I think is awesome, and hyperloop. There’s so many questions I have for you.

Elon Musk: Can’t you just refer to my interviews? I’ve done hundreds of them, and pretty much answered all the questions.

Me: Yeah, that’s true. But there are a couple of questions I have that I haven’t seen answered. I mean I know you were bullied in school.

Elon Musk: I was. Were you?

Me: No, I was actually kind of a bully in school. I mean, not in a sadistic way, but I think I was really bossy with the other kids. I’m still kind of a bully, actually. I really like to get my own way. I don’t think I bully my wife, but somehow I always get my way, that can’t be right, can it?

Elon Musk: Probably not.

Me: But what would you know, you’re divorced, you’re always breaking up with Amber. I shouldn’t ask you for marriage advice.

Elon Musk: Definitely not.

Me: Alright, I don’t want to take up any more of your time, so I’ll get to the point.

Elon Musk: Great.

Me: This thing about the simulation. You say it’s almost 99 percent guaranteed that the whole gosh darned universe is a simulation.

Elon Musk: I did say that.

Me: Which would mean that this very conversation we are having right now, between you and me over the phone, it’s not a real conversation at all. It’s just a simulation.

Elon Musk: That’s what it would mean.

Me: I find that very hard to accept.

Elon Musk: I know. But it’s true.

Me: This is not a real conversation.

Elon Musk: No, it’s been simulated by someone.

Me: By who?

Elon Musk: Some incredibly powerful being that we can only imagine.

Me: Damn…

Elon: Alright, gotta get back to work.

Me: Ok. Thanks, nice talking to you. Oh, wait, are you going to come over for dinner.

Elon Musk: There is no dinner.

Me: Right. But the simulation of the dinner?

Elon Musk:  Don’t call me again.