Non-Traditional Auto Mechanics

Is your car acting up?  Are you tired of traditional western mechanics, with their all too predictable oil change and brake job?  Maybe your car could benefit from a non-traditional modality of car treatment.

Edward Hall opened his car-acupuncture clinic in East Hollywood a few months ago and the business has been brisk.  Clients can sign up for regular Reiki treatments and energy flow dynamics.

“We offer complete shiatsu massage for both the interior and the exterior of your car,” said Edward, massaging a plush leather interior for a client as he spoke to us.  

Edward learned his trade on a weekend course in Santa Barbara last fall where he was able to work with some of the most respected practitioners of non-traditional auto medicine.

“Anybody who loves cars knows,” he assures me.  “That cars have souls, just like we do.  Let’s take a look under the hood of this one.”

Under the hood of a Mercedes, what we saw looked like an ordinary engine.  But, Edward informed us, this engine had a completely blocked chi flow.

“In all of these hoses, and all of these pipes,” he said, “We were able to detect an imbalance of the yin and yang energies.  I waved my hands in the air for about five minutes, and I sang a little Cambodian folk song, and you could almost hear the hoses sighing with relief.”

Another treatment plan, only available for girlie cars like the Mini Cooper or the Mazda Miata, is yoni massage.

“It’s not hard to find the yoni center on the Mini Cooper,” Edward told me, as we walked over to a pink Mini that was upon blocks.  “It’s right here.”

Edward puts a few drops of a homeopathic remedy in the yoni of the Mini Cooper, the little exhaust pipe in the rear.

“That will keep things running smoothly,” he says with a grin.

A tow truck appears with a late model car that has obviously been totaled in a wreck.  The body is crumpled, the windows are all smashed.

“What can you do for this poor guy?” I ask.

Edward shakes he head.

“Oh boy,” he says, grabbing his smudge stick.  “I’m gonna be here chanting all night.  I might have to summon my spirit animal.”

He goes over to the wreck and begins doing a Native American dance as he lights the smudge stick.  This going to take a lot of purifying and shamanistic spells. 

“Have you ever succeeded with such a wreck of a car?”

Edward ignores me and begins singing a healing chant.

Non-traditional auto mechanics.  It’s probably a waste of time, but so are a lot of things out here in Hollywood.  Come and see for yourself.