New Folgers Coffee Bars – Coming Soon to Your Fancy Neighborhood

(from corporate board minutes, Feb. 2018)

CEO presented the idea for opening Starbucks-style coffee bars all over the US and Canada serving our Folgers coffee.  The potential upside is estimated to be 200-500 million dollars yearly revenue.  Downside is the construction costs and real estate.

CFO objected that we’ve never been in the construction or real estate business.  

President of US production wondered if it was going to be a special artisanal blend of coffee that was served at these establishments.  CEO said, no, it would be regular Folgers coffee.  But instead of getting it for 25 cents a cup by buying red plastic containers of  coffee at the grocery store and brewing it their Mr. Coffee coffee-maker, now people would pay five bucks for it at Folgers Coffee Bars.

There was an awkward silence.

Finally, VP of sales raised his hand meekly and was called on by CEO.

“But sir, if I may,” he ventured, “Isn’t our coffee… kind of basic.”

“What do you mean basic?”

“Well, just regular day to day mediocre coffee.  Isn’t that what we sell?”

CEO looked shocked and surprised.

“But Folgers is the richest tasting coffee.  It’s mountain grown,” he said.

There was another awkward pause.

“No it isn’t,” said VP of sales.  “That was just an ad campaign from the 70s.”

“You mean our coffee isn’t mountain grown?”

VP of sales shook his head.

“You mean it’s not the richest tasting coffee?”

“No sir,” said VP of sales.  “It’s just crap coffee in a red container.  That’s our brand.”

There was a full minute of tense silence.  Finally the CEO spoke:

“So maybe we shouldn’t try to compete with Starbucks and so forth by opening Folgers Coffee Bars on expensive streets.  Maybe we should just keep selling crap coffee in the grocery store.  It’s what we do best, after all.”

Everyone enthusiastically agreed. 

Next item of business, the Corporate Spring Barbecue.