New Uber Sharing Apps Transform Reality Itself

Forget about scooters, car sharing and self driving cars.  Uber is taking radical, disruptive steps forward into a future that was impossible to imagine before the invention of the smart phone app. 

“We’re not messing around any more,” said new Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi.  “We think sharing apps have the potential to disrupt reality itself.”

For instance, check out UberDoctor, the new app for sharing doctors.  You can click on the app to join an already scheduled appointment with a patient who is reporting similar symptoms. 

We’re getting reports that it might actually be as gross as it sounds.

“I was nervous at first,” said John, “Because I had a sore throat and got pooled with a female, this woman named Wendy who also had a sore throat.  It was kind of weird watching Doctor Furst examine her and swab her for strep throat.  But when Wendy got the results 24 hours later, negative, I breathed a sigh of relief.  I really couldn’t afford to miss a week of work.”

Says Uber chief medical officer, Tom Chief, MD., “It may sound counterintuitive, but let’s face it, going to the doctor is 9 times out of 10 a placebo experience anyway.  These guys may have years of training, but for the most part they’ve got no idea how to heal anything.”

Chief’s ambitious plans for the future are to replace the entire medical profession with Uber doctors without medical degrees who have completed the one day UberMD online course.

“They will be independent contractors,” stresses Chief.  “We hate payroll taxes and liability and workers comp and all that crap.  These new doctors will of course be given a rigorous criminal background check that may or may not mean anything.”

Bank sharing is a hot new buzzword, and Uberbank proposes a revolutionary checking account sharing app that allows you to choose from a host of different people’s checking accounts to pay for things.  Said Uberbank user Barry Baustille, “If I don’t have money to pay my electric bill this month, I click on a checking account that’s a little more flush.  It’s a lot better than getting the lights turned off.”

The idea behind bank sharing goes all the way back to the Native Americans, says Uber First People’s VP, Terry Brownfeather.  “My ancestors did not have a word for personal property.  And they did just fine, until smallpox, of course.”

One aspect of reality that we all wish would get better is weather.  The new weather sharing ap, Uberclime, allows a user in rainy Portland to share the balmy weather of another in Florida.

“I didn’t need to use my umbrella,” said Portland resident Tony Jenkins.  “With Uberclime, I shared this little old lady in Fort Lauderdale’s weather.  I mean, she didn’t need all of that hot weather.  She was happy to share it with me.”

It should be noted that Mr. Jenkins did actually get soaked and may have lost touch with reality in a fundamental way.  He was last seen sun bathing in 33 degree weather in a hail storm in Portland Central Park while wearing an extremely unattractive g-string bathing suit.

Finally, Uber is not content with changing the way we live.  It wants to change the way we die. Uberundertaker allows you to share coffins with one, two or even three other corpses.

“I was stuck in a box with three dead bodies,” reports corpse Phillip Rochester.  “But I was already dead so it didn’t bother me.  Plus, my relatives had to fork out a lot less.  I love UberUndertaker.”

Uber, it’s not just about lousy drivers from foreign countries any more.