Notification of Settlement

Notification of Settlement


Your College vs. You



1. Who is qualified for the settlement?

You, and all others who were slightly disappointed by their college experience.

2. What did your college do wrong?

Reasons for the letdown are as various as 1) it sucked, 2) it was too expensive and now you’re in debt for the rest of your life, 3) you didn’t have nearly as much sex as you had been promised, 4) the group of friends you fell in with turned out to be narcissists, sneaks, liars, and thieves. Finally, 5) you learned nothing that you couldn’t have googled, thereby saving yourself about $350,000.

3. Why did your college do that to you?

Because they don’t care. They are on the cushy academic gravy train, all of them. They take a year-long sabbatical every other year. Teach two courses, and by teach I mean supervise a grad student who does the actual teaching and correcting.

4. How can you prove these wild accusations?

You can’t. You don’t have to. You feel victimized and that’s enough these days.

5. So what damage did your college cause you?

Student loans. Up the wazoo. And a liberal bias that you won’t recover from until your fifties when you finally come to your senses and it dawns on you that if socialism is so great and governments are so good at running things, how come the DMV is such a fucking nightmare? Do you know I just waited in line for five hours and…

6. What is the compensation you are due?

Well, a million dollars, I guess. But even that won’t help. To be quite honest, I don’t know how you could be compensated. I mean, after college it goes pretty much quickly downhill, doesn’t it — work, retirement then death. So if the college part didn’t turn out to be so great, the only real consolation is now alcohol. So I guess we can send you some beer.

8. How can you make a claim?

Watch this two-hour Ted Talk compilation. Imagine how great your college would have been if you had taken courses with these great people. About half way through, however, you’ll get bored even by these geniuses. Then you will feel better about your mediocre college experience and start making plans for the reunion weekend!


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