Notification of Settlement

Facebook vs. You

A FEDERAL COURT AUTHORIZED THIS NOTICE. THIS IS NOT A SOLICITATION FROM A LAWYER.

 

1.  Who is qualified for the settlement?

You, and all others who in the years when Facebook first became popular, say 2006–2010, when suddenly you were friended by all those people from high school whom you had lost touch with. And that was cool. Except for the one person who got back in contact with you. And she was your high school girlfriend and she was your first love.

2. Why did Facebook want you to get back in contact with your first love?

Because they are sadistic and they knew what would happen. They knew that you and your wife were in a bit of a rut. Hey, let’s face it, sex becomes routine. And you can’t help romanticize the people you’re not actually having sex with. Like your first love.

3. What was it like after you started messaging back and forth?

At first it was fun. And you guys had that same connection. It was like nothing had changed.

4. So what’s so wrong with that?

Nothing, except everything had changed. You both had spouses and kids you were bringing up. And you lived on opposite sides of the country now. Where was this really going to lead? I ask you, what were you thinking, really?

5. So what happened?

Nothing. After a flurry of activity in the beginning, the messages became fewer and finally it devolved into an occasional “like” to one of your family vacation posts, and of course, the happy birthday on your respective birthdays.

6. So what damage did this cause?

Ambiguity. A feeling of unfinished business. Incompleteness. Like something weird happened and you never spoke about it with your wife. And you feel this weird sense of discomfort. Is it guilt? See? You don’t even know. Facebook has confused you.

7. What is the compensation you are due?

Well, a million dollars, I guess. But even that won’t help. To be quite honest, I don’t know how you could be compensated. I mean, that was the beauty of life. People come into it. They go out of it. Facebook fucked all that up. Forever. There’s nothing they can do.

8. How can you make a claim?

Watch this two-hour cat video compilation. Your compensation will be delivered around the halfway mark and you will forget about all of this.