Outer Space is Boring

Can’t believe I fell for it again!  This is undoubtedly the thousandth time I’ve taken the bait.  An amazing link about some incredible thing in outer space.  Some super great discovery about some galactic something or other.  Some incredible telescope image or some images sent back from some satellite or orbiter. 

Alright, let’s face it.  There ain’t shit in outer space.  Stop clicking on these images, people.  They’re boring and dumb.

Show me something that is not a rock in outer space.  Show me something that is not dust.  Show me something that doesn’t look about as boring as the most boring landscape outside the window in the most boring roadtrip you’ve ever been on.

No, I don’t want to go to Mars.  Hell no.

Mars is shitty.  The moon is crappy.  It’s all dead, folks.  Dead lands everywhere.  That’s how we got the expression “life in outer space”.  ‘Cause there is none!  

If you want to look at rocks, we’ve got plenty here on our rock.

Dust?  If you want to look at dust, we’ve got plenty right here in my house.  In fact, I’ll give it all to you, for free.  Come over and dust my furniture.  I won’t even charge you for it, because frankly, I don’t find dust that interesting.

Elon Musk, Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, please take my dust.   Come over, I will provide the Pledge.  And you can have all the dust you can wipe off in one hour.  How’s that?

How awesome would that be to see those three billionaires, in French maid outfits, dusting my living room.  Fighting in the great space dust race to get the most dust off my coffee table.  Because you know, my dust does come from outer space.  Everything here came from outer space.  Even me.

Hey billionaires, here I am!  I’m an extraterrestrial. Come and clean my extraterrestrial house!

Oh, and with regard to these “amazing light shows.”  I’m not that impressed, really.  It looks like some crap I could whip up in Photoshop in about two seconds. 

Hey billionaires – if you don’t want to be my cleaning people, at least give me some of your dumbass money, will ya?   Cause as far as all this R and D you’re doing on building space ships, you might as well throw your money out the window of your car as you drive through the Mojave, cause can I tell you something – the Mojave desert is a frickin rain forest compared to outer space.

Do I sound angry?  I am.  I am very angry about outer space.  I wish it was better.  And I wish astronomy were more interesting.

Astrology, I like.  It’s got some narrative to it.  It’s got some mystery.

Space?  It’s got shit.  Actually, it doesn’t have shit.  Shit is organic. 

I think I just solved the Fermi Paradox!  I figured out why we can’t see the aliens or all the other great things about outer space!  Because….they’re all right here, dumbass.  We’re all aliens.  Every atom we are made of came from about a billion billion miles away in outer space.  There is nothing non-alien about this planet.  You’re already traveling through the furthest reaches of the universe, dummies!  

Elon, Jeff, Richard,  listen to me. Don’t you realize how much credit card debt I’ve got?  Please stop wasting your dollars on space, and start at least paying my minimum monthly payment.   I’m not asking for the whole balance, but I can’t keep running up this interest. 

Outer space… pshaw.

Oh, and don’t even get me started on inner space.  Meditation.  Woo woo.  Drugs.  Explore your inner dimension. 

I got news for you folks.  There ain’t shit in inner space either.  Nada.  Nothing.  Zip.

Yoga?  Mantra.  Chanting.  I did it.  It was about as interesting as outer space, which is to say, not at all!

Alright, that’s it.  I’m done.  Thanks for letting me share.