Serena Williams Totally Justified in Kneecapping Tennis Umpire

Billy Jean King and other major voices are coming to tennis star Serena Williams’ defense today after the unfortunate incident at the US Open.

“She had every right to hit that umpire’s knee with a hammer,” said King.  “When women lash out with physical violence it’s considered hysteria.  But when men do it, it’s considered being a badass.”

It’s true, the umpire  cited Williams for a very rarely called violation, coaching from the stands.  And therefore he deserved to be assaulted. 

“Well, I was trying to coach her,” admitted her coach.  “But everybody does it.”

In a clear display of two wrongs do make a right, Williams was perfectly justified in removing the hammer from her tennis bag and demanding an apology.

“All the guy had to do was apologize,” said tennis legend John McEnroe.  “I mean, I apologized to that woman who starred in Bad News Bears, what was her name? I think I married her.  Sorry, I’m old, I can’t remember much.  Am I married Patty Smyth or Patti Smith?  Please say Smith.  Please.”

“Serena is the best tennis player ever,” said everybody. 

So that umpire should just shut the f up.  Oh wait, he did shut the f up, after she kneecapped him.

“Good job Serena,” we say.  “You can do no wrong.  For a variety of complex reasons.”

NY City Police declined to press charges.

“I don’t want to get involved,” said Police Officer Crupkey.   “But even if the coach admitted he was cheating, it was rude of the umpire to accuse the new mother of cheating.  And because she’s the greatest tennis champion ever she is totally entitled to act like a complete 6 year old brat.  Because everybody loves her.   And she’s a victim of a double standard.”

At which point ten thousand tennis fans cheered loudly in Arthur Ashe Stadium.

And sportsmanship be damned.