Steven Spielberg’s Films Rated From Worst to Even Worser

By The Emporer is Naked

With the Oscars coming up, Steven Spielberg is absent. He’s been busy getting his West Side Story debacle — I mean remake — figured out. He’s our greatest cinematic genius, there’s no doubt about that, and yet there is something seriously fucked up about every one of his films.  One of the things that is fucked up is that they are all EXTREMELY PREPOSTEROUS.  Another is that they are extremely MISOGYNIST.  I know, I am a man.  But I don’t hate women like Steven does.  I love them.  I am sorry to have to point this out, but I was the kid who called out the Emporer for wearing no clothes.  It’s what I’ve always done, and just because I’m old and I’ve been hired as a movie critic, sorry, I’m not about to change.

Here’s my list of worst to even worser Spielberg films.

WORST–

ET The Extraterrestrial.

Preposterous: This alien species is so advanced they were able to traverse the universe to come to earth to collect plants. However, they did not have a cell phone. ET had to make one out of a circular saw and a piece of string.

Misogyny: Mom is incomplete because her man left her with a floozie even though “he hates Mexico.” Lucky for her at the end Mr. Keys is a Dad stand-in. He has a big key. Having a man is key for a woman. She’s a teary mess otherwise.

EVEN WORSE —

Close Encounters of the Third Kind

Preposterousness: New Wave director Francois Truffaut has given up film making and become a UFO scientist. Also, if Richard Dreyfuss leaves with the aliens at the end, how the hell is Mr. Holland ever going to complete his opus? Huh?

Misogyny: It’s OK for a Dad to leave to go away into outer space even though he’s got three kids because…families are not nearly as fun as outer space and Dads should have fun. Mom can raise the kids by herself.

EVEN WORSER —

Schindler’s List

Preposterousness: This is basically the movie Taken but this time instead of rescuing his wife from the kidnappers Liam Neeson has to rescue the Jews from the Nazis. Oh, yeah, and it’s in black and white because everybody knows the past was black and white and the present is colored.

Misogyny: Basically an excuse to see a few hundred naked women in a shower.

Anti-Semitism: Instead of focusing on the agony of the Jewish people who are being slaughtered, let’s make a movie that focuses on the agony of an Irish guy who can’t save more Jews than he already heroically has.

WORST OF ALL —

Saving Private Ryan 

Preposterousness: Tom Hanks. And wait a minute, I thought the past was supposed to be in color.

Misogyny: There are no women in the entire movie. Well, there are exactly two minutes of film with a female in them. Here you go. Thanks a lot Steve.