Things The Mouth Is For
Making baby noises and then later…
Talking in a baby voice and then later…
Talking in a grown up voice and then later…
Talking in an old man voice and then…
Rattling and then finally…
Remaining mum for the rest of time.
Giving birth to a river.
Giving resuscitation to another mouth, hopefully never — gross.
Mouthing off at your Mom, Dad, or 7th grade coach Mr. Spangenberg
Mouthing the words “Call me,” to Lori on the other side of a window, whom you will never see again, ever.
Smiling
Fake smiling at your boss Melissa after she makes a comment that makes you really uncomfortable
Framing teeth, in a weird closeup during a macro lens phase of photography which itself was a phase
Kissing someone in your family or someone you are attracted to or someone in Italy
Pouting because you are a little baby and you are soft inside and need to toughen up but won’t.
Lip syncing to a song that is too embarrassing to name now even to yourself
Screaming the word Ahhh! in the middle of a movie when that person comes out of the nowhere or in real life in your apartment when that person comes out of nowhere but in both cases it turns out to be nothing so it’s actually fun to do.
Breathing when nose needs a break
Throwing up when the toxins won’t go out the other way
Spitting on the Broadway Line subway platform under the sign that says no spitting
Making clicking noises on a trip to that African nation where clicking noises are part of the language or after watching a documentary film about said nation while remaining in Hancock Park.
Whistling a tune
Whistling from a construction site at a blonde woman walking down below because you are from an African nation where whistles are a part of the language but are dreadfully misunderstood by the blonde woman who never watches the kind of documentaries you do.
Syphoning gasoline from a truck during the energy crisis in 1977 when there was no gas and you had to steal well you didn’t really have to steal it was more of a dare and now you know what gasoline tastes like and what being arrested is like.
Making the letter O shape in order to express mock surprise or, less frequently lately, real surprise.
Making a duck face but hopefully not during a selfie at a tragic historical site (esp. not concentration camps).
Beatboxing on a Youtube video that now has a million and a half subscribers and will soon cover the costs of the subsequent surgery you will need to repair the nodes on your vocal chords.
Blowing on the baritone horn in band in 4th grade at Parkdale Elementary and then never again in your life ever.
Wearing lipstick even though you’re not a girl because it’s funny
Smirking less and less and the years go by and
Snarling at a bear at a zoo exhibit because you are very brave and protected by one foot thick glass.
Expressing shock, agape for a long period, when Sandra tells you she wants to break up
Drooling whenever the scientist rings the bell because you’re a dog, or metaphorically drooling whenever a female rings your bell because you are a dawg.
Blowing on a fire you just started in your kitchen trying to deep fry shrimp
Blowing glass in _____________ (fill in with hot, third worldy, kind of boring vacation locale).
Eating someone out, 69ing, swapping cum, wearing a ball gag, Bukaki, chili-dogging, rusty tromboning, hot, warm or cold Carling, hot lunching, felching.
Oh yeah, and eating.
