Things to know Before Your Visit to the Saudi Arabia Embassy

 

Congratulations on your appointment with the Saudi Arabian embassy.  Here are a few things to keep in mind.  While we are quite happy to have you visit us, failure to comply with rules may result in your being politely asked to leave the embassy or dismembered in a conference room while you are still alive. 

1)            No Apple watch may be worn to the embassy.   Other recording devices are also prohibited.    While we all love Apple, and we all have iPhones, and some of us even have Apple watches, we officially never fully understood the product, the Apple watch.  If you already have a watch, why do you need an Apple watch?  And why do you need a watch that records your screams as you are dismembered alive?  Don’t you realize that watch could also record our voices and might thereby incriminate us.  You may where a Rolex watch or a Bullova.  But Apple watch, please.  Have some good taste.

2)            Please do not be alarmed if you go missing after your visit.  The thing is, our security cameras might not be working that day, and therefore when you leave we might not have a record of it. But it does not mean you are dead.  It means you left and now we simply do not know where you are.  SO please contact the embassy immediately if you are missing and let us know where you are.

3)            If you are female, please do not drive to the embassy if you are a woman.  We are really rethinking this end to the no-driving ban after a couple of nasty fender benders.  Hey, we know you women haven’t been able to practice driving much, but come on.  Use a turn signal before you change lanes.

4)            If you are the country of Yemen, please do not visit us while we are bombing the shit out of you.

5)            If you work on Wall Street, please do not criticize us because we own your sorry asses.

6)            If you are Donald Trump, please think hard before you make any more statements about us.  Donald.  Really.  Be careful my friend.

7)            Actually, the embassy is going to be closed the day you want to visit, so please call to reschedule your appointment.  Our bone dismembering doctor is out of the country at the moment.

8)            If you are a jew – forget it.  What are you crazy?

9)            If you are a blogger, think twice before you satirize the kingdom. 

10)          Do you really want to publish this?  Think man.

 

And now, we will repeat a joke we heard in The Big Sick, it always makes us laugh.  The joke is, you ask us what do we think of 9/11?  We say, it was very sad day.  We lost 19 of our best guys.