This is What Vikings Really Looked Like

Archeologists have unearthed a cache of new evidence that calls into question everything we think we know about Vikings.

I mean everything..

Of course, you know they never wore horned helmets. That was an invention of a 19th century writer.

But did you know Vikings loved short shorts, especially made of black leather, and they often wore black socks with heeled shoes, for an especially glam look?

They always wore tank tops, often with animal prints. And loved bracelets of hyde and leather also.

Rather than wild blonde hair and beards, Vikings actually preferred to be clean shaven, even down there.

“We discovered in one of the cairns a grooming guide that told us really more than we wanted to know about how to shave the hair off your private parts,” said Danish pseudoscientist, Haid Srimshon.

“We were very surprised,” says an associate of Dr. Srimshons at the Danish national theatre, Willund Knorgan. “They were certainly not these uber violent macho crazies that we’ve lead to believe. The real Vikings of history were very well-groomed, close to their mothers and loved show tunes.”

Vikings were called Vikings because they came from an area called Viken in Norway. They were very into physical fitness.

“They had a regular rotation at the gym,” says the anthropologist. “Mondays they did legs. Wednesdays they did chest and back. And Fridays they focused on abs and deltoids.”

They also discovered the New World long before Columbus.

“The Vikings tried to establish a disco around the eleventh century in Newfoundland,” said Dr. Srimshon. “But it wasn’t very successful. The Natives there were not friendly. Some of the Indians began wearing “Disco Sucks” t-shirts. Eventually, the Vikings returned to Norway and opened a little antique store. Vikings of that era focussed more on costuming, hair styling, and of course, clothing design.

“The Vikings were fierce,” says the doctor. “That’s one stereotype that turns out to be true. At least when it comes to fashion.”

Oh, don’t forget to get your paperback copy of Down in the Dingle, Best of 2018, available here.