Top Ten Ways to Boost Your Retirement Income
Are you like most people—completely unprepared for the inevitable day when you are kicked out of your office forever and forced to fend for yourself among the semi-active seniors wandering around your town? This could get ugly fast. How are you going to eat? How will pay your rent? What about healthcare – you know Medicare only pays for the bare minimum, right? It’s no wonder you’re anxious about your golden years to come. But whether you’re a young millennial, a soccer mom or dad, or a recent empty-nester, here are ten great pieces of advice from the Dingle’s financial experts to help you prepare for retirement.
- Enough with the avocado toast. 18 dollars? Are you kidding me. Order just toast. Or just avocado. But not both.
- Steal more. How many missed opportunities are there for making with free stuff? What about those sugar packets at Starbucks? Put a handful in your pocket and get prepared for the rainy day. In fact, why not pour yourself a glass of milk from those milk containers at Starbucks. Take an old Starbucks coffee cup, preferably a Venti size, pretend that it’s got coffee in it and fill it to the brim with milk. Then go to a different Starbucks and do the same thing. Soon it will be like a dairy farm in your refrigerator, all for free!
- Deduct everything! I’m not saying cheat on your taxes, but why should you pay for the nation’s bloated military while depriving yourself of a comfortable old age? It just doesn’t make sense. What I do is just deduct every single thing that I spend and get a huge refund every year. How can I get away with this? Well, according to the latest academic pseudo-science, life itself is a performance and we are all performance artists. Our every waking hour, then, is a business expense that we must pay to produce this performance. If I’m ever audited I will explain to the IRS agent. He will look at me blankly. And I will assure him that even this blank stare and this IRS interview are part of the performance piece. I might get yet another blank stare, but how’s he going to argue with that?
- Forget about IRAs. What is that, a discredited Irish terrorism outfit? No, the whole thing is stupid, you don’t pay your taxes anyhow (see number 3.) So instead of putting your money in an IRA account, I recommend putting it into cryptocurrency. Have you seen the way those Bitcoins shoot up in value – it’s positively exponential. Reminds me of beautiful tulips blooming in Holland. There’s no way that bubble will burst.
- Alternatively, give me your money, and I will go all Bernie Madoff on you. If you are one of the first ones in on these Ponzi schemes, you can’t get hurt. It’s the suckers who come in at the end who get slammed.
- Make a sex tape, now before it’s too late! Nobody is going to want to watch you having sex after you retire. You need to do it now. And make it really sexy. I’m talking Kardashian, full on sex tape. I don’t mean blurry, poorly lit Paris Hilton. Before you know it you’ll be famous for being famous, and have loads of passive income to retire on.
- Put it all on red. Take what you’ve got, travel to Vegas by bus, and put the whole thing on red at the roulette wheel. What’s the worst that can happen? You were screwed anyway. At least you took a shot.
- Smoke. Drink. To excess. I mean, really go for it. That way, especially if you’re a male, you’ll have a heart attack or stroke before you’re anywhere near retirement, and you won’t have to worry about any of this.
- Stop listening to self-appointed experts. Like us. What the hell do we know?
- Finally, and this is the most important one, make sure your kids learn how to program computers or make robots. These are the only two jobs that will be left in the not too distant future, so if you prepare them properly the little nerds just might be able to take care of you in your old age while you write interesting and humorous blogs on the internet.
