World’s Oldest Spider Looks Back at Life at 43

It’s been good to me, there’s no doubt about that.  I had more than thirty thousand children and grandchildren and all the rest.  It’s been quite a time up here on the rafters of this barn.  I got nothing to complain about in this life.

Except that damn pig.

I don’t know if you heard about this, but some years back I was more or less sexually harassed, stalked and molested by a pig named Wilbur.

He just wouldn’t let me alone.  Always staring up at me and masturbating.  Made me sick.

I tried to talk to the authorities about his behavior, but this was way before your MeToo movement and nobody was woke.

The only person who was “woke” was me, when one day I woke up to find that pig on top of me trying to hump me.  Can you imagine?

But back then nobody believed a female.  And it caused me a lot of trouble, let me tell you.  I think I would have gone further in my career as a weaver if I hadn’t reported Wilbur.

I hit on this idea of writing messages in my web about him.  “Some pig!” I wrote, when the farmer was coming in.  “Some pig tried to molest me.”

But right before the farmer came in, a wind came by and blew away the “tried to molest me,” and all that was left was “Some pig.”

Not that they would have done anything to him anyway.  Nobody cares about little old spiders.  The only way I could get rid of him was pretending to be dead.   Yep, he wasn’t so smart.  I just rolled up into a ball and he started crying and this and that.  Saying he was always going to remember me and so on.

And I never was bothered by him again. 

Men.   They are some pigs.

And some pigs, they are men.

Other than that, I’ve had a darn good time of it.  I’m looking forward to dying and going up to spider heaven and sitting next to spider Jesus.

And that Wilbur, I hope he burns in pig hell.  I like my bacon nice and crispy, don’t you?