Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

Gillette: The Worst a Man Can Get? New Study Ties Shaving with Toxic Masculinity

By Joshua Adachi


Last week, Gillette aired an ad suggesting that good male hygiene may be be the key to correcting a global legacy of oppression perpetuated against women throughout our known history. However, a recent study conducted by a Stanford research group shows that the most fervent users of Gillette’s products may be among those most likely to sit on a chair backwards, participate in a panty-raid, and teach their sons to throw sports-related balls.

Specifically, the study claims that recently-shaved men exhibit misogynistic behaviors at a higher rate than their unshaven counterparts, leading to a nation-wide reexamination of Gillette’s claims as well as those of its competitors.

“We divided behavior into two categories,” explains director of research, Giome Patrine, “behaviors that perpetuated the patriarchy, and those that tore it down.” Male subjects were then observed through a combination of sensors, closed-circuit cameras, and Avengers-grade nanotech.

“We were surprised to find out how misleading the Gillette advertisement was… it was as if shaving one’s face activates a patriarchal set of behaviors and values,” observed Patrine.

To whit, Patrine points to data that shows clean-shaven men to be more likely to compare biceps with other men, publicly speculate on the outcomes of sporting events, and maintain eye-contact with female coworkers during work-related exchanges. Additionally, problematic behaviors were demonstrated in the way these men interacted with younger generations. Smooth-cheeked males were shown to be the 25% more likely to make suggestive sounds when breaching the topic of girls with minors and 150% more likely to to teach inappropriately young boys how to shave, likely perpetuating the systematic oppression.

On the other hand, males with stubble or well-groomed beards were more likely to be found disassembling patriarchal institutions. Their behavior included discussing the dehumanization of late-stage capitalism, doing the dishes, and telling crying boys to ‘let it out.’

However, more research is needed in order to determine what is causing the effect.

“The data is inconclusive at the extreme ends of the spectrum,” explains Patristra, “while some stubble may help its owner resist the urge to expose himself, a beard below the clavicle makes its owner much more likely to be naked.”

Patrine also revealed that findings on men with only moustaches proved inconclusive as their behavior around women and young boys was deemed “highly unorthodox” and “too erratic” to reveal any statistical trends.

Fortunately, there is good news for unbearded men who worry about their behavior. The negative effects of shaving do not appear to be permanent as its subjects’ toxic masculinity undergoes a sharp decline at 5 ‘clock.

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