Is Joe Biden Gross?

Dear Male Friend,

I’m writing you this because I really want your opinion about something. Not about whether Joe Biden is gross, but about something else which I’ll get to in a minute. I think it’s fairly obvious that Joe Biden is gross. And I think it’s obvious that a whole heck of a lot of men are gross. Really gross. Haven’t you become totally ashamed of our gender lately? I know I have.

I mean, who goes around sniffing women’s hair? What’s wrong with these guys? Were they not alive during the 90s when sexual harassment first became a thing? I’ve basically been a card carrying member of the Nancy Pelosi straight arm club since then. I don’t think I’ve hugged another woman who is not my wife or daughter since 1993. Oh, actually I did hug my mom a couple times but I got a weird vibe from her so I straight arm her now too. Anyhow, it must be said in defense of American men, we’re not as bad as Italian men. Have you ever been to Italy? But that’s beside the point. We are pretty f-in horrible. And it really sucks. But guys like Biden and Trump and Kavanaugh and all kinds of guys, especially rich powerful guys seem to really have no boundaries whatsoever. I mean, do these guys never watch Gillette razor blade commercials? It’s not cute, it’s disgusting. Leave the ladies alone, please.

Anyhow, what I wanted to ask your opinion about was a couple of pieces that I was inspired to write based on the Joe Biden thing. I think they are really funny, but in this Metoo era, it’s not cool to make fun of women who are manhandled by powerful men, and that’s not what I intend at all. I want to show solidarity with the chicks, but gosh I can’t resist taking a shot at Joe because he’s such a fucking jerk. I felt the same way about Bill Clinton when that Lewinsky thing came out. Here we had a Democrat president after 12 years of hell, and what did he spend his time in the White House doing? Chasing around interns. I mean, come on. It was cute in 1960 when JFK did it, but this was the 90s. I was so pissed off at him. And now I’m pissed at Joe. My therapist says my humor is an outlet for my aggression and if I keep it in I get depressed, so I wrote these pieces but I don’t know if I can publish them — without offending women, and without coming off like I’m not in favor of MeToo and feminsim and everything. What do you think, do I put them in the trash? Hate to kill my darlings. Look forward to your response.

PIECE #1

Joe Biden Made Me Feel Uncomfortable Too

by Simon Black

First he smelled my hair and he said, “Mmm, what shampoo do you use?”

I was totally weirded out.

“Head and Shoulders,” I said.

Then he touched my shoulders and started crying about various tragedies that have befallen him. I felt sorry for him so I touched his shoulders.

“Sorry, Joe,” I said, earnestly. “That really is a lot for any man to go through.”

Then he kissed me.

On the mouth.

“But Joe,” I said. “I thought you were blue collar?”

He looked at me angrily.

“What? A blue collar guy can’t have feelings for another blue collar guy?”

I felt guilty then.

“Well, Joe, to be honest, I’m not blue collar. My Dad was a Serbian Prince. I have a trust fund.”

“Really?”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Do you…contribute to political causes.”

“I might, “ I said, “If you take your hand off my crotch.”

Joe looked surprised.

“I’m just affectionate,” he said. “Everybody knows that about me. And by the way, I can feel the half chub. You’re attracted to me.”

“Are you kidding?” I said. “I am attracted to 70s you. You were totally hot. Now you look like my Grandfather. And your breath….”

That shut him up.

“Can I smell your hair one more time,” he asked.

I sighed.

“Oh, alright,” I said. “But I’m voting for Bernie. Now that’s an old guy I would actually have sex with.”

“You really know how to hurt a guy,” he said, pressing his nose into my hair and inhaling deeply.

I closed my eyes, pretended it wasn’t happening, and went to my happy place.

I’m coming out with this story now because…well, because I love Bernie so much and I want Biden out of the race. Isn’t that obvious?

I mean, because I’m a victim! I’m a victim! I’m a victim!

PIECE #2

Joe Biden Made Me Uncomfortable Too

by Al Franken

(Note to male friend, for this one I imagine that it’s written by Al Franken, the disgraced former comedian and congressman, so you should imagine it being spoken in that nasal Minnesota accent.)

When I was in the Senate, Joe Biden and I were on a plane together. I fell asleep. I found out later that Joe Biden posed for a picture while pretending to grab my crotch.

That was very hurtful. He should have known better.

Then another time, Joe Biden and Kirstin Gillibrand tried to coerce me into a threesome.

“Come on, don’t be such a pussy,” said Kirsten. “My vagina doesn’t have teeth in it.”

I refused.

Finally, one time Joe showed up in my office and said he wanted to rehearse a scene from a play with me and he wanted the scene to be really realistic.

I was like, “Joe, we’re Senators. We’re not actors. Well, I was an actor, but not a very good one. I’m not going to rehearse a scene with you. If you want to have sex with me, just ask. You don’t have to go to all these absurd lengths.”

So we did. It was fine, but awkward afterwards.

“Call me,” I said, from the bed, as he got up, put on his clothes.

“Bye,” he said.

I felt uncomfortable. Extremely uncomfortable. And so did he. Thank God I got out of politics. I mean, thanks Kirsten.

And good luck Joe! You got my vote, buddy. You always will.

RESPONSE FROM MY MALE FRIEND

Dear Simon,

Yes, you’ve offended everyone. Do not publish.

Sincerely

Your Male Friend

Woops. Too late.