Millions of Americans Being Turned Back From Finland

“I’m sorry,” said spokesperson Jari Sibelius. “We just can’t accommodate all of these Americans. They will be sent back as soon as possible.”

Boats and airplanes were commandeered by the Finnish government to return an estimated seven million Americans who arrived in Helsinki and other Finnish cities after a report by the United Nations named Finland “the happiest country in the world.”

Said one American ex-pat, “Why would we stay in America. It didn’t even make the top twenty.”

The United Nations has issued a warning that its study should not be taken that seriously, and Americans should remain in their home country.

“But this does make us think we should put America a little higher up on our forthcoming list of ‘Stupidest Countries in the World.’ I mean, gosh, who takes anything the UN does seriously anyhow? Only a dope.”

Several Americans will be allowed to stay, according to Sibelius. “We just want a few Americans to live through our winter without sunshine and we figure they will send word back that our country is not the happiest in the world. It’s in fact a frozen gloomy socialist hellscape. So please, stay where you are.”