National Enquirer Threatens to Publish Picture of My Dingle

This was a first for the Dingle.

I am going to republish the letter exactly as they sent it to me, several days ago, with wild threats to go public with an image of my most intimate private dingle.  Apparently their photographers were hiding in the bushes this weekend on our annual Dingle naked bow and arrow dragon hunting retreat.  

If I can’t fight this kind of blackmail, and Jeff Bezos can’t either, who can?  I ask you, how do supermarkets even get away with stocking this blackmail sheet?  How about we threaten to boycott the supermarket until they remove the paper?  We can shop at Whole Foods for a while. 

Anyhow, this is the letter.

Dear Mr. Dingle

We have a picture of your dingle.  If you continue to make fun of us and of Donald Trump, we will be forced to put the picture of your dingle in our newspaper.  However, since your Dingle is so large, we will also be forced to change our format of publication from the standard tabloid size to the much larger broadsheet newspaper in order to fit your large Dingle.

This change will be very difficult for us.  We would rather not, but since we can’t fit your dingle into our tiny, narrow-minded, prurient little Trump tabloid, we have no choice.

Please stop publishing great satire and admit that the real world is much more satirical than your imaginary world of funny.

I mean, if you were making this up, could you come up with a funnier name for me?  I didn’t think so,

Sincerely,

David Pecker.