Neil deGrasse Tyson Faces New Accusers

 

Nat Geo has let him back on the air, after clearing him of accusations from two staff members. But we have learned there are more accusers out there in the universe. We have decided to allow these accusers to speak for themselves.

Pleides Nebula: “He said I was gassy. It made me uncomfortable. I had eaten Brussel Sprouts for lunch, but still…”

Neutron Star: “He said I was a giant ball of neutrons, and he emphasized that word ‘ball’ in a weird way.”

White Dwarf: “I told him I preferred ‘little person’, but he insisted on calling me a white dwarf, and he chuckled as he said it, like he was laughing at me.”

Quasar: “He said I was being ‘extremely distant’, like he wanted me to be more intimate, but I didn’t want to be more intimate. So then he called me a super massive black hole. That made me cry.”

Quark: “He said I was the strange type. I thought that was aggressive and fucked up.”

Aldebaran (a big star located about 65 light-years from the Sun): “He said I was a red giant. That made me embarrassed about three things: my height, my socialist ideology, and my Native American heritage. So I think he should be fired three times.”

Milky Way: “I feel like he was talking about my breasts, but maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I don’t know.”

(Note: Please don’t feel bad if you don’t understand some of those jokes, here’s the link to a glossary of astrophysics I had to use because in case you didn’t know I am not very literate about science. Check it out, though, it’s a cool site.)