Sexts from Lady Chatterley to Her Lover

GAMEKEEPER

Um, Lady Chatterley, why did you send me this pic of you in your underthings, looking out at the camera and making a duckface?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Oh my Gosh! How embarrassing. Of course I meant to send it to my husband, Clifford, your Lord and employer. Please delete it right away.

GAMEKEEPER

Right away m’lady.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Um…do you like it though?

GAMEKEEPER

Sure, m’lady. I’m a man, aren’t I?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Would you like to see some more?

GAMEKEEPER

You mean, you could accidentally text me some more pics like this? With maybe some fewer underthings on?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Or no underthings at all.

GAMEKEEPER

Oh gosh, I’m texting with one hand.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Me too.

GAMEKEEPER

Is your husband…away?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Oh who cares about that public school toff. He’s not a real man like you. You kill animals, don’t you?

GAMEKEEPER

Sometimes they have to be killed m’lady.

LADY CHATTERLEY

I bet you could really give it to me, couldn’t you?

GAMEKEEPER

Come down to the gamekeeper’s cottage and I’ll give you something.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Would you set fire to my haystacks, Oliver?

GAMEKEEPER

I’d burn em down and post it on Instagram.

LADY CHATTERLEY

If it’s bad weather, we’ll take our clothes off and run naked in the rain while we take selfies.

GAMEKEEPERS

I’ve got an old iPhone, I don’t think it’s waterproof.

LADY CHATTERLEY

We’ll plait forget-me-nots in our pubic hair.

GAMEKEEPER

Sounds a bit Pinteresty for me…

LADY CHATTERLEY

You can bang me on a blanket on the mud floor of that hut.

GAMEKEEPER

Now you’re talkin’

LADY CHATTERLEY

Would you put Sir Pestle in Lady Mortar?

GAMEKEEPER

Huh?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Your John Thomas in Lady Jane?

GAMEKEEPER

Lady who?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Those are pet names for our genitals, dumbass.

GAMEKEEPER

Got it. Thanks for cluing me in.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Text in Derbyshire dialect, please…I’m about to climax.

GAMEKEEPER

“A woman’s a lovely thing when ‘ers deep ter f**k and c**ts good.”

LADY CHATTERLEY

There! I finished.

GAMEKEEPER

Me too.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Delete these texts please.

GAMEKEEPER

Of course.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Same time tomorrow?

GAMEKEEPER

As you wish… Connie?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Yes?

GAMEKEEPER

We could Facetime or Skype. Might be nice, to you know, watch each other wank.

LADY CHATTERLEY

Do we dare? I mean, sexting is one thing. But actually watching you wank? You’re in a different social class than me.

GAMEKEEPER

That’s the point, isn’t it?

LADY CHATTERLEY

Well….Clifford will be gone all afternoon. What the hell, I’ll accidentally Facetime you around two. I’ll put on my extra sexy granny panties.

GAMEKEEPER

I’ll cover my entire naked body in deer feces.

LADY CHATTERLEY

It’s a date!