The Real Scandal of the SAT Test

We’ve been hearing about the cheating on the test and the bribes and the so on.

But what about the test itself? What exactly does it measure other than the ability to do well on the SAT test?

For example—and I’m not trying to brag, very few people actually know this about me, well, not everybody I talk to, most of them, yes, but there are one or two I haven’t told…yet —

— but I got a perfect score of 800 on the verbal and on the math.

That’s right. Woot woot.

Despite having done very badly in high school due to…well, there was a lot of other stuff going on.

But despite that, because of my SAT score I got into a good college. I’m not going to tell you which one, that’s uncouth. But yes, there were a few leaves of Ivy on its walls, my beloved Alma Mater. In New England. In a state that begins with M. In a city that begins with B. I’m not going to say any more.

I graduated from that college, but not with any particularly high honors. I didn’t work that hard in college because —

I got an 800 on the SATs!

I knew I was super smart and didn’t have to work that hard. After college, I continued in this same vein, because, after all, I had graduated from a fine college and…

…after a series of gigs that were beneath me, including coffee, yes, I have muddied my fingers with the bean…

…I have also been an Uber mensch if you know what I mean. I found that job really gave me a lift, but I quickly grew weary of it…

…and I am currently self employed by this blog.

I know, I overuse the ellipsis. But that is merely one of my many flaws. Read on…

I don’t have to work that hard on it, my blog I mean. Sitting around all day in my pajamas typing snark comes quite naturally to me.

I earned a whopping $26.30 cents last year on my “career.”

Therefore, I am living proof of a scandal — the SAT is a liar!

The fact that I was able to excel on the test predicted great success, supposedly. Academic or career success! Math and verbal success! Because I had such, what was the word, oh yeah, “aptitude.”

The test was wrong.

I don’t have much “aptitude” for anything, at least not any activities the world rewards with money.

I’ve actually gotten pretty good at playing the bagpipes. But that’s just a hobby. It pays even less than this blog. And it annoys the neighbors.

Who is to blame for this scandal?

I blame the College Board who administers this phony test. I’ve been scandalously misled.

Yesterday I received a notice that Best Buy is going to repossess my laptop.And that Time Warner is going to turn off my internet.

Then what will I do? How will I type my snark? I suppose I can join the lowly ranks at the public library, waiting in line for free computer time, with whom?Other SAT aces, no doubt.

I am consulting an attorney. Can you sue someone for inflating your ego? I mean really inflating it. We’re talking Hindenberg here.

Oh the humanity…